Perhaps I need to reword. Basically he says whatever comes up is OK. No feelings are 'wrong'. So if you have an intense emotional reaction that affects you 'physically' which apparently is not uncommon (e-transference), then he encourages you to talk about all aspects of it. I didn't mean to mislead - this man is nothing but a professional but he's very comfortable talking about things I'm not comfortable talking about (he's a Psychoanalyst, which is still influenced by Freudian concepts so enough said). Boundaries are well defined. I should say he neither encourages nor discourages a particular fantasy, although does encourage them in general. He does however encourage discussion of it in whatever form it takes if it happens to be present - in more detail than I would have liked because of the nature of it, but he kept digging and hell, what do I know - I figured I'd just get with the program quickly 'cause I don't want to be in therapy forever. So I blurted out what I considered after the fact to be way too much information and didn't feel great about what that said about me.

For some reason, it's like I was able to set aside reality for a few weeks. The good aspect of it is that it was an extremely powerful positive experience - because of the emotional connection, the feeling of total acceptance and the fact that he was in my head all day long for 3 weeks and in essence 'pushed out' all the horrible intruding thoughts about my multiple ongoing crises. Just kind of a banter back and forth in my head. The validation, belief in what i told him about my crises, the empathy, etc, etc was such a relief from the persecution, disbelief, and 'just suck it up' comments I had been getting over the previous year. Anyway the simple disclosure of the physical 'reaction' coupled with reality setting in ("what the hell are you thinking girl?") sent me in the complete opposite direction into total apathy. Humiliation, feelings of rejection all came flooding in and that stopped all emotion in its tracks. Well other than perhaps very negative judgemental feelings about myself, which of course I felt he would be feeling about me as well, as is my natural tendency.

Now before you guys all think I'm totally perverted, I notice I react physically to strong emotions. Just looking at a 3-legged dog makes my leg hurt. The sight of a gash so big you can see bone makes me pass out, a threatening e-mail will turn my hands white in about 5 minutes. I'd never noticed the type of physical reaction I had with my T before but perhaps it just never got to the conscious level so I was none the wiser.

I guess the main point is - they know that many patients are going to have a strong positive reaction to them. But it can go nowhere because it's not a 'real' relationship. So eventually it gets shut down or fades. The realization eventually hits the patient that NONE of these feelings can be reciprocated or if they are, they are carefully concealed by the therapist. So it is all one way. NOTHING coming back. A big black hole. Very, very rejecting.

I hope this made some sense. I find these very difficult concepts to get across.