|
Yes, Terry. What you suggest seems to be just precisely what I have been doing lately. That may explain why I haven't slipped into despondency as readily as these sort of stresses usually cause me to do. Well, that's not quite right. I have slipped, but not so far down. I'm finding that I'm figuring some big things out. That mental work is taking the place of the crying and the anguish of feeling unable to come up with a good plan of what to do. I've gotten teary several times today. I didn't tumble into the deep hole, though. Something has come to my mind that I think is important. Sometimes figuring out what not to do is what is really needed. I think I've figured out a lot about how I get sucked into stuff that wastes my time.
I've been trying to get relatives and neighbors and my significant other to care for me. I've been trying to figure out how to be the person who would be someone others would want to be supportive of. I've gotten more entangled in unpleasantness by frantically trying to reason out how I should behave and what I should do to be more successful in relationships. I've driven myself nuts thinking I had to figure out just the right thing to say. I had bought a little gift and written a nice note that I was going to give to the neighbor who has been complaining about me, hoping to pacify her - hoping to smooth her ruffled feathers. Maybe I'll still give it to her. Today, I decided that it really is not very important. Mainly, I will have more peace in my life, if I am just less involved with the neighbors. Or, rather, less mentally involved in taking notice of everything they project at me. I've been so busy reacting that I neglect focusing on how I want to act to address my goals.
Strategy implies planning on a big scale, as opposed to logistics, which are the detailed plans to accomplish the strategy. I get horrendously bogged down obsessing over the logistics, when I haven't even questioned the wisdom of what those maneuvers are supposed to be in the service of. I have things to address that are far more important than being the neighbor everyone approves of, or the sister or aunt or niece that everyone thinks is just what they want in a neighbor, sister, aunt, or niece - or girlfriend.
I would get so upset to think that any of these people had some sort of a complaint that I had fallen short of what I should be to them. I really don't owe any of them anything other than to be courteous, civil, and not intrude on them, or be disrespectful of them. Suddenly, and with a sense of liberation, I have been thinking hard that there is not much they offer me that I want. These dreams of having lovely relationships with people I meet randomly are futile dreams. If ,after a certain amount of trying over a reasonable amount of time, I find on-going unpleasant drama, why even bother obsessing. Why not just direct my attention elsewhere. I recently spent three hours on the phone listening to a drunken relative talk crazy. I don't think I'm going to do that again. She may have to find someone else to call when she is drunk. When neighbor A wanted to tell me what she heard about me from neighbor B, I could have just said "That's okay, I really don't need to hear what she said about me." Then there is the need to enforce those decisions. Like - me saying "It's good hearing from you, and we'll talk more another time. I have to go now - Good bye." Then hang up the stupid phone. Or after letting someone know I don't need to hear what they are just dying to tell me, say "Excuse me for a minute, I need to check something." And then just walk away. I've made life a lot harder and more complicated for myself than it has to be.
Thank you for mentioning about the "inner strength." I keep forgetting that I ever had any. Well, the fact of the matter is -- I did. At this stage of my life I need to be strong in a different way from how I was strong years ago. I got through some tough challenges and accomplished some good successes. Probably, I can again. It was better to think about looking at things differently than to just cry all day. So I guess today wasn't a waste.
|