Sounds like you could really benefit from an outside eye-and someone near you who is capable of getting a handle on the specific features of your disorder-and then developing a treatment plan. If you have the means, why not have another go at recovery? It is never, ever too late to try something another time. You are worth it, whatever feelings you might have to the contrary. You've just trapped yourself there, I feel, and you need to find a way to stop chasing your tail.