It's 5:10 am and I'm still up. Staring at this screen and wondering how I'm going to start writing. I have so much to say, and yet I don't know how to say it. I think I'm writing this for my own therapy, anyway. A venting process, if you will. So what does it really matter?

I have a feeling this is going to be a long post, so if you're not in to reading those, I suggest you move on now. And if you're going to post to this without reading it, let me express to you my one pet peeve about this forum: generic posts. I have read from people who have poured out their hearts, bared their soul on this forum, and the replies given were not always genuine. Like in the introduction segment, for instance. I have read posts that people have posted about being depressed, ashamed and lost. People will go in there and post, "Welcome," to a heart broken teenager who is obviously here for much more than generic slap on the back. But I think the worst I've seen is several people (and that means multiple) are the people who have confessed a dark secret about wanting to kill themselves, and then below is a bright and cheery, "Hey! Glad you're here! Have fun on the forum!" type of reply. And they copy and paste that same reply to multiple threads. If you're not going to read the posts then don't reply. I find that simple enough. We're on a forum where people are reaching out for help, and for some, this is their last life line. This is their cries and pleas for assistance and people don't even bother to read their posts before answering them. Are your numbers to how many posts you have that important?

And it's true that not everyone here is like that. It's true! I've seen amazing replies to posts from several people. I try to write them to say thanks, that it's amazing even their insight to one person can relate to another like me... but apparently I'm not to that "level" yet for private messaging. So thanks to all of you out there who actually read a person's thoughts and emotions before posting anything. You're appreciated, and I'm grateful for those of us who need to be heard and helped.

I told you this would be a rant, but this board isn't the main rant. So, apparently, this is a long one. Strap yourselves in, this is going to be a long ride.

It starts a year back. December 1, 2010.

I own and operate a popular non-profit business. I was on TV for that business and an even that we were hosting. Turns out an old friend had seen me that night and told an even older friend where I was going to be. That even older friend was my high school sweetheart. No, this isn't 2010. It was 2008. 2010 will make it's appearance in a moment. And, just so you know, I graduated 1997.

My high school sweetheart has always been an amazing person. I was his first girlfriend and even his first kiss. We may not have shared all of our firsts together, but that didn't make us any less important to one another.

We started dating once more as adults. Fell in love again and he asked me to move in with him. December 1, 2010 - I did just that. He has a beautiful home which he does and should take pride in. He promised me a room to do my art and music in, a place for my non-profit to meet weekly and even help him redecorate his, no... OUR new home together. Almost fairytale like, isn't it?

It's now December 21, 2011 at 5:37 am. My stuff has yet to be unpacked. All of it lies in either his garage (no, not our garage, his garage) or in a storage unit. The dreams of redecorating are gone. My art and music room was in the basement, and I'm not even allowed in the basement without him (that came into effect about a month after I moved in). And my non-profit group doesn't meet here. I don't even have a closet to hang my clothes. They're mostly piled on top of a dog cage.

Ah, the pets. Another subject. Let me clarify, however: I have a dog and a cat - he hates them both. A new revelation after we moved in together, even though he stayed at my house for a year before he even asked me to move in. He has a dog. He worships her. I swear he loves her more than me. Again, another story.

More on this subject later.

My business is hard to manage. With many people the drama is never ending. It's the way of the world and anyone who owns their own business. I'm constantly dealing with people who butt heads against another, the pettiness of individuals and so on and so forth. But I have, this year, actually had employes try to take my business from me. I have built this company from the ground up. I have seen power hungry people come into this team and see my kindness as weakness.

Perhaps this is where I should tell you a bit about myself. I'm very trusting. I'm very giving. And, Lord, I am probably one of the most positive people you will ever meet. Without my optimism, I wouldn't be me. I absolutely love humanity. My boyfriend is disgusted when I step away from a nice, wonderful conversation with a stranger and I tell him that I love that person. "You just met her," he'll tell me. "All the same, I still love her."

And I mean it.

To all of you cynical individuals out there, I'm a great target. But more on my love for people to come.

So my business has seen some really trying times to this day, especially this year. My co-partner in this business would believe them without even speaking to me, and when she finally would and hear the truth, she would apologize. It's not the first it's happened, but she's my best friend and I love her dearly.

I work so much my work is like my family. My best friends are in this business, but this isn't the only job I work, I work two others.

In July of this year, a man whom I looked up to very much in my team left us and took with him several individuals from this company. Honestly, about a quarter of our people. When he left he not only started his own competing business but stole things from this company, artifacts which are the backbone which we stand upon, and my trust. I looked up to this man deeply, like a father, even though I was his boss. When I confronted him on his actions his reply was, "Well, I guess you should have made us all sign legal contracts."

Guess what I do now? I knew I should have then, but I trusted them. I loved them. Again, they were family.

Let's back up a quick minute. In June we were doing our non-profit things and raising money for other non-profit groups by giving tours and educational classes in an area.

We had another business of the same nature come to "stake" us out at one of these events. They came equipped with cameras and several people from their own team.

I knew of these people. I read, I'm adept to the environment in which I work and I know of others that are out there that could be possible "competition." Though, I never look at any of these companies that way. I believe that we can all work together and help each other out.

Am I delusional? Most of you will probably say I am.

These people questioned, drilled us and took us for a ride. I had warned my people that they were here to do us harm. And, indeed they were.

In August we were "banned" form this location which we were raising money for due to this other team. Which, in just four days, we had managed to raise two non-profit groups nearly $1,000.00, but were now no longer invited due to this other opposing team. We were never even allowed to explain ourselves and prove our innocence before being banned from the property by that property manager.

These lies were not just spread amongst our community, but very publicly. Local news got involved, accusing us of these false accusations. Interviewing me and trying to take me down.

I shut down, very quickly. It became so much I didn't know what to do. My work is my life. I have built my last five years around this company.

So here I am, being publicly accused of things that didn't occur. And things were falling apart. And I crawled into bed one night, two days after this all started, with my boyfriend, in tears, and reached out to him. I told him, "I know how I'm going to handle this now." He asked me in a tired voice, "How?" I took a deep breath and immediately started to cry. The sobbing cry where you take deep breaths between your words, and I said, "I choose to love them." He said, "What??" "I choose to love them, because if I hate them, I'll be no different than them. I choose to love."

My relationship hadn't changed much with my boyfriend, but by this point he and I were coming to a close and we decided it best if I move out. I started looking for a place.

I may work several jobs, but that doesn't mean the money is pouring in. I work hard for the very little that I make. I quit one of my jobs and began a new one in early August. Remember that man that I told you about that I looked up to like a father that went and started a competing business? I worked with his daughter, and I was the one who got her the job in the first place. She was much younger, and I do blame her being a young, foolish girl, she stooped to levels that I didn't believe were acceptable and I left my position after finding another one.

Ah, the new position. So many stories! But we'll keep to the basics.

For those of you who are still reading, one: thank you. Two: Remember, this is a year of my life in one post and I am doing the best that I can. And, three: I'm writing this for more of my therapy than anything else. I need to vent.

So the new position comes into play. It's a company I've worked for before and they were happy to have me back, even the general manager who ran the second store in the community I live in. She was happy to have me as her employee this time around rather than at the other store.

Does that make sense? I worked at one location. Quit. This new position was at the OTHER location. I am still confusing myself. Let me break this into caveman terms:

Me work at old job, at old location. Quit that job.

Start work at new job. Quit because of foolish daughter.

Start work at old company of old location, but different location now. Same company of old store. But now new store.

I still think I'm confusing myself, but then again, it is 6:12 am here now. Look at that, I have been typing for an hour....

Good Lord, to all of you out there, I'm so sorry.

Oh, that's right, my new job scenario. Everything was fine and dandy there until the other location I used to work at, well, it shut down. Leaving the location I was at now under tremendous, financial stress. All of the older employees there have suffered incredibly. One of those is my current general manager, who has flat out told me she thinks I was apart of the problem at the other store and I'm to blame for it. It doesn't make sense, but she has been taking out her frustration on that store closing on me ever since. To the point where it's not only ridiculous, it's comical.

I like to laugh. I'd prefer to make a comedy out of this scenario than a tragedy. It's now become a daily game when I'm working, we all wait to see what's going to happen against me when the general manager is working (which is 6 days a week now since this whole financial burden thing). We even take bets about it.

And here I am turning it into a laugh as I often will. There's my optimism. Can't change it, laugh about it and make the best of it.

But I've always done that. And I'm not about to even go that far back.

Well, the good thing with my own business that was attacked, is that I have fought back for it. I don't like to lay down, roll over and accept it. I'm not that kind of girl. We are now no longer banned from that location. Even though the news reels still ran, we were given public apologies on their behalf and, as of two weeks ago, we were even pardoned by the city government for any false accusations. Yes, it went to the city over the scenario.

But I haven't told you that during this time that not only has my mother and father gone through divorce, but that my mother has cancer for her fifth time. I'm one of ten kids and every sibling has turned their back on my mother because of the way the marriage ended. All but .. you guessed it ... optimistic, believing in humankind me. Let me say this: I do not agree with the way that my mother handled the end of her marriage. But that doesn't mean that I can't still love her and be there for her, especially with how sick she is.

My siblings have left her hate email, Facebook hate mail, hateful voice mails and even hand written messages left on her doorstep. She and I have discussed upfront but very adult like that I didn't like what she has done, but I will always love her.

My father is now punishing me for doing just that. In fact, on December 28 of this year, the day after my birthday, the entire family is being flown out and swept away to Hawaii. All except my mother and myself. All because I've still chosen to love rather than hate.

Bringing me back to my relationship with my boyfriend. Well, he's technically no longer even that. I call him my "ish", because I don't know what we are. In fact, we were both at a counselor's office just yesterday and she asked us what we were. Neither of us could reply with a proper answer. My ish answer is the best I have to offer.

I was supposed to move out, like we had agreed on. I had found a place that I could afford. And, two weeks before I move, she (my future landlord) texts me while I'm teaching a class and tells me that it's no longer going happen, she's decided to give the space to her aunt.

I was devastated. Truth be told, I still am. Because now I'm stuck in this miserable place. I can't unpack. I can't move around freely. I'm not allowed in certain areas of the house. I'm told nearly daily what a burden I am, and daily, I feel more and more worthless.

During the time I have stated above, I have been back stabbed, lied about and even lost my best friend: the girl who used to run the company with me. Due to all of the stress, due to everything that's occurred, I have thought of my ish as a rock. And let it be known that I miss this girl dearly, my best friend. I feel like I've lost my left arm without her.

My ish treats me .. well, kind of well. He helps pay bills, I still have my car due to him. He bought me a winter coat (I'm from the South, and never owned one) but not only that, it's my favorite football team on the jacket. He's purchased winter boots and so much more, I can't even begin to type how well he monetarily takes care of me.

But emotionally, it's like 2 or 3 days out of the week, he's there to deal with my rather fragile state. And the other 5 or 4 days, he's either checked out or becomes rather vicious. Like tonight where he tells me how wonderful he is and how much more I could be doing. Compares the two of us like we're just another quarter lined up next to one another.

Well, I'm a coin that's been used and exchanged. He's a bright, pretty shiny one in a state of your choice. ... I'm nothing special but I guess, I could always be better.

The moral of the story: I have never felt so alone in all of my life. My heart is heavy. I drink, sometimes to excess. I went through a diet that I lost nearly 60 pounds, and recently, I gained 15 of that back. I'm gaining weight like our economy is gaining debt. I'm always sad, I'm nothing but a "show" of happiness.

I used to be a very logical person. Now I'm just a puddle of emotional goo. I always cry, I'm always sad and I can't get over it. I left the counselor's office yesterday feeling worse coming out then I did going in. But, another story. I have even thought about killing myself, and come close to the action.. VERY close. But, again, another story. I'm full of those apparently.

I can't pick myself up. All I am is a masquerade and I can't hold up this appearance any longer. I have lost SO MUCH HAIR it's unbelievable! stress, distress, and everything else has taken it's toll.

I don't know what to do. I'm so f'n lost right now. I'm so ... at my wit's end. And like I said in my original post in the newbie board, "This year has been very trying, and to the point where something has to break - even if it's me." Guess what?? I'm breaking!

So, I'm reaching out for help. I'm nearly to the point where I'm begging. I feel worthless. I feel abandoned. I feel fat ... wait! I am fat! I feel like I'm not good enough every day. I feel that the work that I have established is ruined by lies. I feel like this life that I'm living isn't worth it some days, but here is where my optimism comes into play: I believe that it is, but I can't do that without hope, and I'm losing that quickly.

So, I'm tired of my raccoon painted face because I've cried my mascara of my lashes. I'm tired of this girl that I am and I miss the person that I once was.

I don't want to be empty anymore.

P.S. It's currently 6:59 am.