((((((geez)))))))

It is very challenging when something from our past, deep in the well as you mentioned, presents itself. What does it mean we wonder and because it comes up in such a surprising way, we can feel very confused and can even isolate. geez, it sounds like you have gained some ground in your relationship with your husband, someone who truely loves you and is reaching out. With this memory/doubt coming forward it is understandable that you feel troubled.

When the conscious mind is presented with these deep emotions/memories it is important to stop and think about where these memories/emotions are coming from. You have to learn this so you can address the doubts, fears, and questions these deep emotions/memories with a resolve.

Please understand that what these troubling things that come up mean is that somewhere in your past something happened that disturbed you in some way so your brain storred it as a warning that can say, is this a dangerous situation? And when you make that decision to withdraw and isolate, what that really means is that this warning means you have to stop and consider that you may be involved in a dangerous situation that may have lead to something upsetting in your past. But it doesn't mean that you actually "are" in a bad experience or even are headed for a bad experience now.

geez, here is where you have to learn to intellectualize these events that take place, these uncomfortable memories, things that frighten and disturb you. And when you are in therapy, the purpose for sitting with "any" therapist is to be in a safe place, with another person where you can allow whatever this memory is to come forward and with your therapist consciously interpret it and see that it is not what your facing now.

I think I talked about the danger of snakes as an example of something we learn as we grow up and we may even learn this by being bitten (this happened to me). We learn that there are snakes that are poisenous and dangerous and that when we see a snake we have to be very careful. gezz, if we do not know exactly what snakes are poisenous and what snakes are harmless, we will consider all snakes dangerous.
This is PTSD in many ways geez, this is what your learning now and what you have been addressing in therapy with your husband regarding intamacy. You love your husband and you are working on learning to accept him intimately in a way that you can trust, receive and even enjoy his intimacy with you. So, you have gotten to a point where you have learned that he is not a poisenous snake.

However, as you are learning how to see that geez you may experience certain kinds of intimacy where it may touch on a signal deep in your mind somewhere that troubled you in your past. It doesn't mean that your doing anything bad geez, or that you are supposed to reject or repell anything you have achieved thus far. All it means is that you have to learn that whatever precipitated this deep concern is truely not the same, not anything dangerous or hurtful or anything you are doing wrong in any way.

geez, the reason PTSD can be difficult to overcome is that one of the things that can happen, often does happen, is that when we do experience a trigger, we make a conscious decision that we will not do anything that allows these triggers of emotional upset to take place. This is why it takes a conscious effort to truely overcome instead of withdrawing. This is what other people do not understand about PTSD and what it means to struggle with it. It can be a very difficult process and because we may not know the depth of, or how many triggers we store, we do withdraw in confusion. And it isn't just a simple memory, it can be a very physical response of emotion, stess, and confusion and even a sense that we may, ourselves have done something wrong.

geez, this is why therapy is soooooo important. This confusion about a regular therapist verses a therapist that "specializes" in PTSD takes place, not because we have something that cannot be addressed. The reason why a therapist specializes in this area is because they learn that this process requires extra time, validation and a gently well guided process of treatment. It is not just about talking over bad memories, it is quiety, SAFELY, identifying everything that is present with these memories and complicated emotions. After that has been done, the real therapist/patient work begins. This process is not accomplished quickly, it entails often constantly, slowly, reworking the mind of the patient to learn how to "slowly" process bad memories in a way that will remove thier personal guilt and discomfort as these deep reminders come forward.

We can say, it is not now, it is in the past, or tell ourselves "It is not our faults", but that is only the beginning. A person with PTSD has to take more time to actually process "away" from the guilt, emotional stress, and all the feelings that are presented with these deep things that come out of what your calling a deep well.

If your old therapist is good at helping you learn how to do this, than a title that says " PTSD specialist" is not the be all and end all. What is important is having a therapist that you trust, have the special relationship with " that is what is important" and also a therapist that gives your concerns as much time as you need to address and finally process in a way that allows you to truely understand that you can understand and over come whatever is in that well. Your attachment to your old therapist is not something you should feel bad about, it is fine to miss that connection, what that means is that someone truely filled a deep need in you, that is a good thing geez.

Open Eyes