Hello all!

I am new to this website and i would like to share my story and see if other people feel this way. I have not been diagnosed, however i am in the healthcare field and I am educated on most of these disorders, not to mention I have all 9 signs of BPD.

I will try and sum it all up. I am in my early 20's now but I can honestly say I have always felt different since I was a little girl. I never ever felt as though I could fit in. I feel like everything I say is bizarre and people are kind of like, riiight? I remember in Pre-K feeling this way and having anxiety and that weird empty feeling in my stomach just out of the blue sometimes. I never knew what it was. I did not have this horrible childhood but there were heavy situations that took place that were life changing. My Dad always kept a business like manner with me which was stern and distant and my mother was extremely difficult to deal with and still is. She in fact has always been aggressive, negative, unaffectionate, and either hot or cold .....I never know how she's going to talk or treat me. So with that said- it has been a sore subject my entire life. The lack of interest with me I assume probably is the root of my low self esteem. I always asked for help with my homework and never got it and always struggled with certain subjects. I don't remember hugs and i remeber feeling like more of an annoying burden than a child. I am trying to make this not sound like a pity party! But that has always hurt me.

As I grew up I noticed I was very depressed and not like the other giddy girls at school. I started taking medication when I was 14 and have been on and off ever since. Once I got into high school I started having extreme mood swings and feelings often during the day. Like within an hour i'd wear out every emotion there was, normally with one person- like a boyfriend, mom, *****y girl lol.......I became aware then that I was absolutely an unstable person. It hit its peak between ages 17-21. I got involved with some drugs....did not even think or care of what may happen while taking them....Dated a guy all in high school but we both constantly cheated on eachother.....I would cry and feel suicidal when i found out about him....i'd run back just to have the comfort of him there knowing i was going to cheat on him and he was going to do it again to me. I was very permiscuous for a long time. I attempted suicide by crashing my car when i graduated high school because i felt this overwhelming fear of not even knowing who I was...and trying to go into the world. (This was after taking xanax)

I went to college and had extreme tantrums and panic attacks when I would get home from school. I started to miss my cold mother and could not understand why..... I changed my major 5 times in less than a year....I started having a different genre of clothing EVERY SINGLE DAY...goth...preppy...goth, sporty.....I go from wearing pearls and polos being a good girl- to wearing skulls and being foul mouthed. I still do not know if i'm a girly girl or a tom boy..... Being young and a bit slutty I decided to try and have a relationship with my roomate who turned out to by a liar and also a cheater. I felt empty and depressed, I decided to leave the college and go back home because of this...even after making good grades.

I came home dated losers b/c I thought it was all I could get...went in and out of drug episodes with xanax and drinking, dropped out of college again and by the time I was 20 I was pregnant. It was then I felt the positive change in myself and i matured and started to see that something was abnormal about me- but i needed to learn how to control it. I had a perfect pregnancy and a healthy baby, however I was so damaged emotionally b/c the guy had left me when I was 2 months pregnant and we did not speak until I went into labor...of course I loved him and still do...He has dated other women and it has been very painful. When i first realized he was not coming back I started having these emotional breakdowns on a daily basis- now they are every other day and less intense. I felt betrayed and unattarctive....unworthy....It has blurred my whole outlook on relationships. The father of my child rarely sees the baby which I will never be able to understand. When I decided to return to my previous job after maternal leave i dated a co worker who moved in with me within 3 months and proposed to me within 8 months. B/c I have always been unsure of what I even like I thought I was in love with this man. He was extremely selfish and controlling which caused me to engage in fights just to have more reasons to break it off b/c i was so unsure of what was right and wrong and what i was feeling. I would literally love him one second and then hate him..... I degraded him eventually and everything fell apart ( thankfully) but it still hurt.....and another man abandoned me and my son. For awhile I'd wake up not even being able to figure out what i wanted to eat for breakfast, who i wnated to hang out with, what I liked as far as hobbies, and I could not tell the difference if i was happy or sad. I think in black and white and that's how my daily routine works....if it isnt all then it's none. I still want to be with my son's father and i struggle with the rejection a lot. I find myself just *****ing him out (with some decent reasons) but it gets to non stop and then I hate myself. With minutes I will curse him out and then after we hang up I feel its the last straw and that he hates me and i;ve lost anything i had with him......Im pushing him away b/c i act crazy. I try to make up for this outburst by telling him i'm sorry and i feel the exact opposite about him from what i had said five mins before. It is like this almost every other day.

Here's the positive things now! Yay!

It's been about 9 months of the single life and being on Prozac 60 mg daily. I can finally say I do have a clearer vision of myself and who I am. My mind is calmer and I can control "some" of my outbursts. Being a single mother is hard but i enjoy it very much. I feel like a better mother now. I am going to graduate from college in the spring and have made straight A's so far. I do still suffer from the social anxiety and low self esteem. I can be kick *** one day and feel very confident and within a second feel timid and unsure of who i am. I hate that part. I constantly battle with thinking others everywhere are thinking negative thoughts about me. I try to just say to hell with it! I am thankful for the medication I am taking now b/c I never feel suicidal anymore thank God, and I can promise myself I will def. feel better soon enough. I just wanted someone else to give their opinion on my story and if you think it is certainly BPD. Sorry it was a novel!