Quote:
Originally Posted by beauflow
I have issues with identifying what I am afraid of losing though- there are serious times where I am not sure where the agitation comes from
It does make sense, not arguing there, but I just can't find it some days or even with some situations.....
I think also validation is another thing- or would that be a fear intertwined - what I mean by that is :
If I feel not validated by some one- not heard lets say, then my fear of not being? -- eeh need to work on that i suppose 
It is something to think on for sure- it sort of goes with - warning sign.
Fear *sigh*- so much from one thing. |
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Yes, identifying our need is the hard work of doing one's own inventory; however, it is where the fun resides once empowerment grabs hold. Most of my pain in the past was in having to face abandonment, a natural fear in all human beings no matter what the background. That part is normal; but turbo feelings of abandonment results from parental neglect.
Seems like the un-nurtured child grows up, but stays the same inside, and goes through life looking to others to provide the natural instincts to meet our personal craving; but that becomes an unrealistic expectation because people outside the parental role cannot intuitively meet our need as a parent would. I looked to others "mind readers" for years and suffered huge disappointment as a result. When I faced my abandonment issues and identified my own feelings of loss, then I had to learn the language of nurturing, first for myself and then for others so we could have effective connection. I-statements and boundary work was in dire need.
I also study attachment theory and brain wiring. There are some things from my past that I let go because there is no more desire in me to rebuild what never was. I never bonded with my father, nor had replacement dads so emancipated early-on. My husband and I are in rightful roles finally, but it took a divorce and remarriage before we got to the level we are today. Medication has helped, too.
Learning to listen to yourself is key. If you bypass your own feelings, how will you be able to identify your need? And then express your need? Negotiate fairness? Reap the result of a good connection where dignity and respect is the expectation? And trust as a result. Hearing and being heard begins within one's own heart, sometimes a broken heart. Heavy issues I take to my therapist: my husband and my friends are not trained to meet me in the sewer of childhood pain, but they do play a major part as practice partners for I-statements and boundary work, playfulness and heart-shares.
Here's how it works in real life:
My sister came unglued on me one day telling me how disappointed she was in that I hadn't met her need, which she already knew but didn't express and expected me to "know." I asked her why she had bypassed her own need? She didn't know, but told me she had bypassed her own need twice, which added to her disappointment in me.
I asked her why she hadn't listened to herself and responded? There is where her personal power lay waiting. Had she listened and responded to her need, she would have spoken it and then I would have had the choice to respond or not. She became furious at me for suggesting she had any personal involvement. Instead, she chose to expect me and others to take "all the rocks out of her road" without us having the power to read her mind. Her history shows that this is an expectation she has had in others since childhood in wanting our folks' to protect and nurture her, which never happened, so the outside others are expected to fill in the gap. She is a tragically wounded child walking around in an adult body.
She cut me out of her life. But the take-way lesson learned was: healthy adults learn how to 1)read themselves and 2) present themselves and 3) discern who is a healthy fit or not. I am not a mind reader nor is anyone expected to be in my life. It took time but I eventually got over the anger I had for my my sister by processing the program I have learned in therapy, etc.
I understand her pain; and know that her journey will not be fixed by a younger sister trying to make up for all the roles Sis missed out on as a child. My initial anger gave way to fear and fear gave way to loss: we have never learned how to be in the sister role only and our "play" time is over. But, oh, all is not lost, for there are many in the village who are willing "play" partners in a whole new playground of healthier attachment. And If I can say that at age 64, isn't that possible for the younger ones reading this?
Thus, I hold the power to live my own life without being stuck in the wounded-child muck. I truly wish my sister the same. Susan Quinn