YES!! I agree that you need to do some more writing. I thought that instantly when I first started reading your post. I so wish I could be able to write like that......capturing the audience attention. You are now of age to NOT have to declare your parents income on financial aid forms, and you have a child..........point: you could get some nice grants to pay for some college courses. Free money for college..........it's time to go back to school!! I'm gonna be 30 in Feb., I'm going back just now. I've dropped out of college in the past for so many dumb reasons.....one of them being because of a BOY. Anyway, what brought my attention to your post in the first place was the subject of you reliving your boyfriend's past. I have been doing the very same thing for almost 2 years. Thankfully, I have not had a child with him. He has 4 kids, and 1 isn't even biologically his. He was married........well legally still is. I feel so inferior to his wife because she is pretty, and he actually once upon a time was so devoted to her that he vowed they would be together forever......hence the marriage. He's admitted to me although he doesn't remember, "he loved this girl sooo much" I've recently read some emails he wrote her last year while he was with me, explaining that he loved her more than anything in the world. To this day, he hasn't told me he loves me. I've settled for, "I care about you." Even though they fought a lot, I still feel like he valued her more than he values me........I'm just the 'drug' that helped ease the pain over losing her. He even once asked if I would dye my hair black.........guess who has black hair? I also feel like I'm not good enough because I don't take on the responsibility of all his kids. He had 2 kids from a previous relationship when he met his wife, and in his words, " she took over the mother role right away.." I just can't do that. He has 2 mothers to deal with, 3 of his own kids, and the 4 yr. old is the kid of the man his wife cheated on him with. I feel like he shows how much he loves his wife through how devoted he is to that child. That probably seems like an immature thought for me to have............but all these perceptions I have are my insecurities. I also think about them doing it, and wonder why the heck my mind brings me to these places. I think about the kids cuddled up on the couch with him and her...........it hurts me a lot because he had those lovely experiences with her, not me. And now after all I've learned about their relationship, I feel so resentful, and simply can't deal with his children. I know they'd pick up on it, and would probably feel like I don't like them. We also fight a lot, and I just don't want to put kids in that environment. Plus, I have to admit that deep down, sometimes I don't feel like we'll stay together much longer so why get to know the kids............
Anyway, I think your boyfriend is being a little insensitive when it comes to exposing you to those past events. Would he like it if you pointed out who you've slept with, and had to be in the presence of the guy? Probably not. It doesn't help that your mother is critical. My guess is that she was like that while you were growing up which didn't help your self esteem. My mom is the same way.
Anyway, you are lucky in my eyes that you at least have a child of your own. Even though I'm not a mom, I can sorta kinda understand how special it is.
Go back to school!! It will help increase your own feelings of self worth. It's unfortunate that we have people in our lives who can sometimes treat us like we aren't worth much, but in the true reality of everything.......we are of so much value and have so much purpose here, otherwise we wouldn't be on this earth.....we wouldn't exist. Feel better about yourself, I'm sure you have a better warmer smile than miss skinny legs.