or more like repeats of old ones come back to haunt me.

stuff has been going on with regard to work, they've started to ask me to do stuff at home. this after months of me offering, them saying they will send, and then not hearing anything back. Followed by 4 months of no contact with anyone, no answers to my emails, no contact from them. i've been doing the simple things they've asked but it has caused me a HUGE amount of stress and aggravation. plus they've lost all the stuff i specifically set up for them when i became ill, and i know that makes me look bad to the boss there, as if i left them screwed. so now another issue has come up that i am aggravated about, and i;ve mentioned it a few times to one of the people there, and today i've heard back that he is tired of hearing about it because it is a problem but what's done is done and me whining about it isn't going to fix the fact that stuff was lost. it sounds as if he feels like the martyr in this whole thing that had to "fix" everything, and though he doesn't blame me, he has no consideration as to how it feels to be completely cut off by him and everyone else for 4 or 5 months and then learn that the things i did try to do weren't utilized.

screw them

i would but it is still just a huge source of aggravation, grief, and anxiety for me. just receiving an email from them sets me off, just seeing it in my inbox before i even read it. this just sucks, unbelievably how crappy i still feel about all of this.

then second also today i was distributed anemail about another group i used to belong to, i haven't had contact with them for awhile because i've just felt so crappy and absolutely unable to talk to them for several weeks now. they are planning an event in for the future and i am completely out of the loop, i found out they had a first meeting for this event a short time ago and one of the things they did was find people to replace m e for the art tasks. i guess thye feel since i am out of the picture they have to go with alternate plans, but they could have asked first, because truth is i would have done stuff like that from home. no w i don't even want to. there are only two people in my life that i haven't severed ties to.

and i'm still not feeling any better, any closer to going to work (the doctor thinks i am, and is becoming reluctant to renew my disability) and it is all just closing in tighter and tighter.

i want to crawl in a hole. i finally made some progress with regard to some paperwork for my mortgage but i still haven't followed through wtih it, it is a month overdue now. i don't know what i am going to do. i'd like to volunteer to be the first man on mars.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>