So I'm having issues with my psychiatrist. Before he would just claim that DID doesn't exist, blah blah I've written about it before and it was whatever, I didn't care, but now he's affecting my recovery. He doesn't think the trauma happened at all. He's telling my team this. He's influencing how they work with me. I had to drop my therapist, because he wouldn't listen to me about needing more structure while first uncovering memories.


Dr.


You're acting like this is all just some big game in my eyes. You're influencing an entire team and how they treat me. You seem to think that this trauma is all iatrogenic. That I pull it out of nowhere because Andy or Dr. M suggests I do. I mean com'n. I was claiming trauma long before I met either of them. Long before I did individual therapy at all. I would say Andy was my first individual therapist I ever spent more then a month with. Otherwise I was bounced back and fourth between psychiatric wards. Nobody had time to be "overly suggestive". And can you explain to me why I have PTSD? Why I had it long before I ever entered a psychiatric ward? Does that stuff just pop up?

You asked me "What if it doesn't exist". And what if it does? Do you realize how painful that is to hear from your psychiatrist that he doesn't believe you? I mean maybe you didn't use the words "I don't believe you", but you were pretty persistent in trying to tell me that my memories could be false. Obviously something effects me. Is the main point whether it happened or not? You want me to stay like I am? Do you know how uncomfortable I am? I question if you have any idea at all. You're my psychiatrist. You should. You're medications don't work for me. The best I ever did was when I was on Effexor 450 and only that medication. And now I'm all these drugs, I can barely move my body, I've gained a ton of weight, my cholesterol has skyrocketed. The edema in my feet is a constant. I don't leave my apartment, I'm terrified to shower and I don't even know why. I own 6 cans of pepper spray, I cut myself almost daily, I am binging and purging again, I have constant flashbacks and nightmares from the small amount of memories I do know and what is so comfortable about this? I have a suicide attempt on average once every two years. And when exactly am I going to succeed with that? Are you confident I won't? Because I'm not.

What the exact diagnosis is, it doesn't matter. What matters is that I have your support in my recovery, because mine may not look like everybody elses. I don't need you bringing denial back into this, when I fight constantly to make him leave. I know about what everyone says about repressed memories. They don't exist, therapists are suggestive, borderlines use the **** for attention, blah blah blah. Trust me I have looked for every reason in the book for them not to exist. You are trying SO hard at listening to what I am not saying, that you are completely ignoring what I am. I am not being manipulative. I'm not an easily suggestive person. Look you just suggested to me my memories weren't real and I said "***** you". Well actually I didn't quite say it that way, but consider it said.

Long before I met this team, or had any type of therapist I have had dissociative and PTSD diagnosis. I am considered disabled under the fact that I have a dissociative disorder and PTSD. I had over 20 doctors supporting it, because of the amount of psych wards I was in. Just because I haven't talked to you about it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. I went through a lot of trouble, trying to cover up records so this team couldn't see it. Why? Probably because I was terrified of a response similar to what you gave me. Because I've gotten that response in the past. I once got told by a psychiatrist the only thing wrong with me was that my mommy didn't spoon feed me enough. Trust me, I've heard it all. And I don't care. I am still sitting here suffering, long after being called a liar.

I know doctors all have their different beliefs about mental health. They have their own opinions and god knows where they stem from. Maybe they sat in on a lecture that says 70% of repressed memories never existed. Maybe they had an animate professor who said it was crap. Maybe they had a patient who faked it and so now they assume everyone is. I don't know. I don't care. If you don't believe in repressed memories, if you don't believe in EMDR, if you think DID is a load of ****, for my sake, keep it to yourself and just listen to what I need medication wise. (I need off everything except effexor, which needs to be increased). I realize you think you're only doing what's best for me. Saving me from memories that never existed. But let me save myself. I know myself better.

I am not playing games with you. I don't have that much energy. Even if I was playing games, I am well aware that this is a complete mental illness in and of itself and I wouldn't feel any less of myself to get treatment for it. I'll admit to you when I'm attention seeking. Ask me. Anytime and I'll tell you whether I am or not. Next time you see self harm, ask me. I'll tell you. I'm not afraid to admit that I sometimes ask for attention in odd ways. Yes I have cut myself for attention. I've starved myself (not recently) and I am sure I have even told trivial lies before, all in the name of attention. But it's really more like "Look at me, look how distressed I am, please help me". When people deny my pain, it makes the urges to attention seek with negative coping mechanisms, worse. I realize I am up there in intelligence and that it would probably be a little more difficult to decipher when I'm being manipulative. But in general I'm not manipulative. I will be honest with you about anything you ask. There are very few things I keep secret. I know that I'm only doing myself an injustice if I sit around playing games with people.
You don't have to believe me, one person isn't going to ruin my spirit, but don't influence an entire team on a subject that's easily deciphered differently, by different people. You're the leader. You're the one they're going to listen to. Don't make me worse, thinking you're making me better.

I think it's funny I highlighted the actual letter and print selected and the title came out "Letter to psychiatrist about his stupidity". I think I'll keep it.