Been in therapy now for eighteen months, round about. Psychodynamic psychotherapy. Originally focussed on family history from a devpsych point of view and covered that fairly thoroughly. Relatively recently started using some CBD techniques to focus on practical problems. And they're working well.

Then, a couple of sessions ago, my description to T of some trait of my father's caused (1) T to look at the family situation in a very different way, and (2) caused me to see a large new way of viewing my difficulties. This was a bad thing. Not bad in the sense that it was untrue, but bad in the sense that the huge expansion of pathological territory that it opened up to view made me terribly doubtful of ever having sufficient time to make even a dent in my difficulties before I die.

I had kind of hoped, before, that I'd spend a couple of years in therapy, get patched up somewhat, and then have a decent five or ten-year period before the degenerations of old age (and even death, since on Dad's side we're not long-lived) made a pleasant life even harder than it is now, considering that we have no material assets.

I've never posted here in Depression before. That's just not how I would have described my problems. Nor has T ever mentioned that she thought I was depressed. Now, it's just the addition of this large area of pathology that brings me down and down and down, which I assume is what depression feels like.

Hopelessness I've been familiar with since I was a baby. Also worthlessness from the same time. But no T, including present T, has ever seized on me as a classic depressive. Oh, I've tried anti-depressants from time to time on the usual pdoc scatter-gun philosophy (as well as anti-psychotics, though I'm not psychotic). Never had an effect one way or the other.

What do you do when you're old and you don't have much time left and the stack of psychological things-to-do just gets bigger and bigger? The way I feel now, if I had the money (which I don't) I'd just use substances to fog my way to death. I don't feel like killing myself. More like just sitting down and not moving.

There are an awful lot of nice young people here many of whom will be sympathetic with my situation. But I really have to wonder whether young people who aren't in the T business can really respond to my questions. If you think you really can shed light on the problem then go right ahead, even if you're 17. But I'd particularly like to hear from those of you who are over fifty or so. If you think you've got something constructive for me to hear. Take care.