I've been in a relationship with a guy for about 1 1/2 years now. He moved in with me a year ago. Him and his wife have been separated for nearly 2 years. He has 1 child with her whom he pays child support for, and another child whom he acts as father figure to (this child was conceived from an affair she had in 2007....yet they remained together until 2010) I didn't not break up the marriage, however, I did have a brief encounter with him in late 2008 when he lied and told me was separated from her. He told me she had moved out. I later found that she was only out of town, and I received a call from her stating that they were not in fact separated. I left him alone for 1 year.......until he started contacting me again early 2010. We became friends again, and I stupidly became his shoulder to cry on after she finally did move out. Not smart, but I really did like his company. Friends evolved into something more.....yet I felt he was still in love with his wife. I asked him if he was still in love with her, if he could please just tell me, so I could exit from the situation and not get hurt. He insisted that he did not love her, and it was only the pain of her last betrayal that he was holding onto. (in my opinion i thought the birth of another man's kid was the ultimate betrayal...) He was no angel either in the marriage, fyi. I've heard all the nitty gritty details, and wish I could bump my head, and get amnesia. This was obviously not a healthy start for our relationship, but I'm in it now, and not sure what to do. Anyway, here's the facts to this day.....that still lead me to wonder if he might be trying to preserve the tiniest bit of that marriage for some reason (my guess that he still loves her.) Only the past few months have I really probed because he still does not say he loves me......he says he felt some strong feelings a few times, but wants to be sure before he says it. I've been more than patient, and understanding, but time keeps passing, and I wonder if I've just become a place holder or a convenience. He's stayed in my tiny studio apt. paying the bare minimum of expenses because he wanted to pay off his and her debt, and he has child support to pay for 2 other kids......3 total. He tells her that he lives with his guy friend. She sends him emails stating she misses him, that it's hard not to think of him sometimes. She even tried to wish him a happy anniversary, but they've been separated for so long. He tries to tell her to stop sending those emails, but it's not effective. I intervened not too long ago when she sent him a song, and I sent her a picture of him and I, and told her to send her boyfriend a song. That was probably harsh, but I'm so sick of being a secret. He has even told his family that I'm a friend, but admits that they know we're more anyway. He hasn't told her about me because he says she'll take revenge, and demand more child support. When I confessed what I did, he started screaming at me (this was the same night my father lay dying in the hospital, btw) His words: "You're off scott free now, this is my money she's after, not yours. You just want to be left alone, well, when she gets more money out of me, I'm coming after you!" My dad had a few hours left, and all my boyfriend cared about was his money.
Anyway, I foolishly hacked into his email about 2 months ago to find he had saved all her past emails. I knew he had saved some....his reason being that he has proof of events where she was high picking up their kids, or late, and other stuff. Yet, I read no such emails. Dated from around April through Dec.2010 were emails from her asking if she could see him and she misses him and also emails of him saying that he loved her more than anything in the world....how could she do such things to him......and another where he says that he hates everything she did to mess up his life, but what he hates most is that he can't stop loving her......All that time he was trying to be with me, and I'm asking him if he still loved her. I was telling him he should be single, but he insisted he didn't love her and he didn't want to leave me alone. I know I should've been strong and wise enough to just leave him alone, but I didn't for certain reasons. Since I still feel like I'm a secret, he still hasn't filed for divorce (his reason being lack of money, and he doesn't want to go through all that trouble right now), he still doesn't love me, and he often makes comments about "how women are," he can't see that I'm different from his wife and past relationships, he doesn't appreciate what I've helped him through. I feel used, and like he's still hanging onto his wife esp. now that I'm starting to retract all the benefits he's gotten so far. Why do I stay with him? Well, he does nice things too, of course, that I then think he does care for me. We fight a lot though because I have this sneaking suspicion I can't let go of now, and most of the time I don't feel good enough. After a fight though, he apologizes. It's confusing. I wonder if he just doesn't want to be alone, but also doesn't love me, and expects me to settle for that. He even actually said, "We're adults, can't we just be in a relationship, and have fun, why does there have to be love?" Then he partially takes it back, when I'm like," WHAAAA??!!!" I don't get it, and it can be so stressful and exhausting.