Oh I appreciate your advice Rose.

In the last four years I really have been through a lot. My whole life had really been turned upside down. I had so much to understand and I had never imagined I would be in the state (all around state) that I am in now.

I NEVER considered myself anything but a simple mind, or just maybe mediocure.
And in my different interactions with therapists, even feedback I have gotten here spoke of me being very intelligent. This is really not something I truely ever felt.

As I unfold the situation that has been suddenly presented to me, when other people tell me how intelligent I am I feel like I have entered some kind of strange Twightlight Zone. I have discovered things about myself that I find very confusing.
Yes, I am seeing many things about myself that I truely didn't recognize before and I find it somewhat like a big betrayal of somekind. I have always been an avid thinker, very creative, good problem solver, tough and extremely inquisitive. But at the same time as long as I can remember I also felt so behind in many ways.

What I am learning now is that I do think more than many people, I do see things that others simply do not see. I have learned that I am very intuitive and I also have the ability to understand others in a greater depth.

I often feel like I missed the ship that I was supposed to sail in life. And I don't quite know what to think about that. My question of why I am so misunderstood is not at all what I thought it was.

It really hit me most when I had an older woman bring her grandchild here to my farm to ride on one of my ponies. All I knew is she was doctor so and so and I didn't know what kind of doctor. So I walked around and talked and then the direction was turned toward her trying to get her grandchild to pay attention and sit up striaght and she had to keep correcting her grandchild. So gracefully I just stepped in and dealt with her grandchild in my own way of gaining the attention of a young child. And this doctor observed me achieving a much desired result, that she had not been able to achieve.

Towards the end of my working with this child, I asked this woman what kind of doctor she was. This woman explained that she was a child psychologist, taught psychology in NY and also was an author. Then she touched my arm and told me that by observing me SHE learned from ME. She told me that I was amazing and she thought I truely missed my calling.

One would think that this is a tremendous compliment. It was not the first time I had been told this, as a matter of fact I had run into this before but kind of dismissed it. After she left, there was a real deep sense of saddness that came over me. I guess that being validated at my age for something like this has just made me wonder why I had so many times in my life been so invalidated.

To be honest, I can remember many years of my life trying to find someone like this woman, but I just didn't find it. And I often wonder about what my brain would have accomplished had I been placed in the right situation.

I guess that is why I am such a strong advocate for children to be given the chance to be raised correctly. Growing up behind a child that had issues like my brother truely interfered with my own developement in more ways than I ever dreamed.

Open Eyes