(((((Notz)))))

How come you have to be in this box in front of me an not someone truely around me that can stand up and say this for me. I have been trying to say exactly this for much too long now.

I have not had good experiences with many things as I tried to get help for something I didnt understand. I said all the right things that should have been a clear message in how to help me, this was not done. Because I have taken a lot of time to learn about what I have and how it developes, I look back on myself struggling and not getting any real support and understanding. Because of that, I have gotten worse.

Coming to PC, I didn't know what I was going to learn. What I have learned is not at all what I could have imagined. I can see now why everyone around me just didn't get it. All anyone saw was a big problem solver, someone who provided a lot of direction and support, someone who was very strong and productive and energetic.
No one could understand how I could not "Just deal and fix everything". I was also one that could not understand "Why" I was struggling.

Along with that I have been in constant reconstruct mode, but at the same time experiencing all the symptoms of and acute case of PTSD along with depression.
And, unfortunately the people that were in place to help me resolve were not doing their jobs and making things that should have been addressed only prolonged needlessly due to their errors.

Everywhere I reached out for help, everyone I trusted, needed to trust while I struggled to pick so much up, all made so many mistakes. I could never have imagined all this, never.

I have actually had to step back a bit and work on myself. How your describing the baby steps, that is exactly what I have been trying to explain outside PC. I had too much to address this year in my condition, TOO MUCH. And I kept trying to say,
" I need a break, a time out, I am tired out".

I have a meeting with a new therapist tomarrow. I am hoping that perhaps she will help me get the help I need. I am not sure about the therapist I have been seeing.
He often sits across from me with such a look of exhaustion, it is like I woke him up in the middle of the night from a deep sleep or something. His eyes look terrible, glassy, lids that struggle to stay open, thats not right. Sigh....the one before him?
oh he ended up being a recovering herione addict/alcoholic going through a divorce and WOW. Honestly, most of my progress has been on my own through doing a lot of research. Sometimes my current therapist is awake and there, then he's not and he also made some scheduling mistakes etc. And yes, I confronted him my last visit.
I shouldn't have had to do that, not for the issues I have been addressing.

My lawyer?, I honestly think he is experiencing some dimencia or something, I honestly don't know how to find that out. He admitts his memory is shot, he doesn't sleep at night, yet he is still smart as a whip?

I stepped back for a breather because everything I was trying (calling other attorneys)
and trying to figure out what to do, I just could not get anywhere, it was just crippling me and really irritating the PTSD symptoms. And it really threw my efforts to run my business in a bad direction, now I am really in a bad spot financially. Scheduled depositions that I was not notified of because my attorney forgot them, then two scheduled that I tryed to prepare for and they were cancelled and all the time trying to run my business? Then the sick pony? Too much!!!!

I don't have any money to buy Christmas presents and my family is ALL MESSED UP. My mother just got diagnosed with the early stages of Alzheimers, she was my best friend. Honestly this has been a very troubling year.

Open Eyes