I feel like I'm being haunted. Haunted by Christmases I almost didn't survive. Some unusual triggers coming up for me this year and I'm not sure why. Realizations of just how close I came to suicide and thinking about what keeps me here today. I am safe, just dark right now.

I actually called a suicide hotline yesterday, just to ask them what would happen if I called in crisis. I've always been afraid to call in the past. I found out that they will try to talk with you and help you work through what brought you to this point, but then they are required to call for an ambulance if they feel I am truly unsafe. I find this a comfort for some reason. But now I know and hopefully I won't be afraid to call the next time I am at that point.

I feel like I may be headed for a hospitalization this winter. It's been a while since I was last inpatient. I had one fleeting thought during some mixed agitation earlier this week. I am feeling calmer now and I think I will be okay. I saw my pdoc Tuesday and he told me to promise that I'd call him if things got worse. I told him I'd try. Sometimes it's so hard to hear that small shred of self-preservation buried under the roar of self-destruction.

I just want to get Christmas over with. Spending time with family members who abandoned me in my darkest hour is not good for me. Yet I will smile, say "pass the potatoes" and carry on. But my heart will hurt.