My therapist and resident psychiatrist are thinking I have borderline personality disorder, and I must agree with them, I fit the description perfectly. I've been having some doubts about my "identity issues" with BPD though. It's so extreme that I feel like its more than just BPD. I have these incredible urges to be a different person from time to time, I have a few different personas and they are all completely different from each other. They don't have names though. I feel like I have no control over myself, and even though I know that I change into a different person, and I know that everything I'm feeling isn't really me, I can't convince myself of it. So, at the time that I'm a different person, I do things I normally wouldn't do, and I have no control over it. Yet, I know whats going on. It's very complicated, I hope you can follow along.

I know with the BPD identity issues, its common to be changing goals, and beliefs, etc, but what I'm going through is on a daily basis, maybe even a few times a day. Heres an example about what a day in my life is like.

One minute, I'm myself, I'm this happy go lucky, free spirited straight "hippie" girl, who believes in god, and wants to be a photographer. I am married and I love my husband to death. I'm bubbly and silly, I'm clumsy. I believe strongly in animal rights and environmental stuff. But then, all of a sudden, I get this overwhelming feeling and I suddenly am this angry "gothy" girl, who is leaning towards being a lesbian, like I'll actually be super attracted to women out of no where, and I dont believe in god, and I don't want to be with my husband. I either am wiccan or a panthiest. I listen to completely different music, I have different hobbies and interests. I end up doing things I wouldnt do, and I have absolutely no control. All I can do is sit there in the back of my head, helpless, hoping I don't do something thats unfixable when I come to my senses again.

I don't know what to think, or do about this. I'm afraid to really talk to anyone about it, because I have a tendency to read into things too much and be a hypochondriac, and I'm afraid they won't believe me. I also feel really awkward and ashamed when talking about it to people in person. I'm so overwhelmed. Siiiiiiiiiiiigh.

What I just explained is the best that I can do, it's really difficult to explain. I would like to know if it really sounds like DID, or is it just BPD? I want to know if it sounds like it before I talk to my new psychiatrist about it. I don't really want to talk to anyone about it unless I really should, so I don't feel like an idiot.

I know that usually DID starts when you experience severe trauma as a child, and I have. My dad tried to kill my mom, right in front of me, when I was about two. Mom says that I knew what was going on, and I was screaming and crying. I don't remember it, I was so young but could that have caused it? My stepdad also used to physically abuse me as a kid. I remember one time he chased me through the house, and I ran for dear life because I was like "oh crap i'm going to die." He ended up hitting me in the face, and giving me a nose bleed. I was maybe 8? I also get this gut feeling like I'm forgetting something in my past that happened. It bugs me a lot. I get emotional trying to figure it out.

Anyway sorry for the long post. :/ I'm just really stressed out, and I need answers.