B"H

dear tohelpafriend,

i understand how we have patterns of behavior that developed early on from our relationships with our family members. however, I think we have the personal responsibility to learn to understand the patterns, how they originated, and how to change the way we react even with people who still act within the defined patterns. for example, my father is highly critical of me which can easily lead to arguments as he is highly defensive as well. I have learned how to change how I react to his criticisms and create a situation where there is no room for an argument. in my situation, it is not about being right as it is about being calm and sane. for example, my father may say I am not properly dressed for an occasion. rather than argue with him, I pull the old "join and amplify routine" which requires me to agree with him and make his point even better. so, I respond by saying, "I agree with you completely. this was all I had in my closet that was even semi-suited for the occasion, so I was not left with any choice but to wear this. next time, I will make sure I am better prepared so I have something more suited to the occasion. thanks for pointing it out, and I could not agree with you more." while he was wrong in that the outfit was appropriate, I deflected the argument he was prepared for by agreeing with him and making his point even stronger. for me, it is not about being right, rather it is about maintaining civility. I just turn my head and laugh at him behind his back for being a rude jerk.

In addition, I think we need to learn to forgive others for their inability to grow and evolve out of those patterns. perhaps they are not capable of doing so. perhaps they like the ill-suited patterns. as long as we allow their use of the patterns to hurt us, we are being victimized by them. the way to take that power away from them is to forgive them for yourself. you do not need to forgive them to their faces as they are probably oblivious to the fact there is a problem. forgiveness of others who hurt us is the most powerful gift we can give ourselves.

as far as you feeling that your relationship with your sister is moot, for lack of a better word, since your parents have passed away, I could not disagree with you more. your siblings are all you have left of your parents. perhaps as you grow older you will feel that sense of being an orphan which is common when both parents have passed. only your siblings can help dissipate that sense as only you and them share the understanding of your parents. I lost my mother z"l many years ago. my father remarried two years thereafter. ever since he joined with his wife he has created a new family for himself and begun treating me as he does now. before, I was daddy's little girl. he has forgotten all my life except for that which has occurred since his new life began. I already feel that sense of being orphaned as he is no father to me worth having. thank goodness we live on opposite coasts. this sense of orphan-hood has led me to want to connect with my brother who has many limitations as well as personal challenges. I do my best to keep up with him as he and I are the only witnesses left to our family life growing up...the good, the bad, and the ugly. my brother has done some unspeakable things to me which were betrayals, but I forgive him as well as he is not capable of understanding or changing. he is just barely hanging on as it is in reality. I make it a point to look at these family members without judgment and with empathy. by doing so, I can better understand what makes them tick as they do. then, I go about having the best possible relationship I can have with them as they are part of my past that nobody else has witnessed. perHaps you can look at your siblings through this type of lense. granted there are people who are just too unhealthy to have in our lives, but, as siblings, I think ou guys need each other in the long run given what kind of shared history you have. if you try to see them with love and compassion and use the "join and amplify" technique to avoid discourse, then you may find the value in keeping them in your life. you just need to control your own patterns, so as to avoid the inevitable pitfalls they bring about.

I hope some of this made sense to you. it really works for ny relationship as a good way to approach life in general. ask your therapist what they think. I wish you well. please do not shut yourself off from your past as it may be something of a resource for you later on. family is the group of friends you are born into, friends are the group of people you choose to be your family. however, they are not necessarily mutually exclusive.

take care and be well.
sloane