I just came across your post and realize you wrote at the beginning of the month. May my words encourage you to do what you can to work with your hormones in this delicate time. I, too, had postpartum depression and thought of suicide. As I was on my knees, I felt an overpowering sense of hope as if God was telling me things would work out in time. That was in 1970; my son is 41 and is a joy to me.

Over the years I have felt so guilty about my PPD until recently when the disorder was named and meds offered. I learned many things in thereapy: my homelife before becoming a mother was greatly abusive. I thought I could just get married and snap out of it. When our son was born, the responsibility lay heavy. Overwhelmed is more like it. I didn't know how to ask for help, and instead tried to over prove my motherhood dedication, and ended up feeling numb inside as if I were dead but still in pain.

I didn't know then that I was overwhelmed from being my mother's "mother" (she is paranoid schizophrenic) all my life and when the real baby came along, I transferred those same feelings to our child. I didn't interact with my child like I wanted to but didn't know how from the inside out. He was not abused in the regular sense, just born to a mama who would eventually seek the help she needed. He and I are close in a good type of way: open and honest and celebrate the changes I (and our family) have made. It makes sense now--I have chronic PTSD and OCD related to my mother's schizophrenia. For my own sanity and that of my family, I stay away from the core family "triggers" and hang out with healthier ones.

Ending your child's life is not the answer. Ending your depression is and with proper help, meds and time, you can carve out a healthier life for yourself that you and your child will be pleased with. Protect your child's life even if it means adoption. In time, you will find out how to protect your own life with help from those who understand the neurobiology of PPD better than you can right now because you are in the depths of the depression.

I am so sorry this didn't get to you earlier. Please let me help if I can. I understand the feelings of PPD--and the other side. From childhood on, I never thought I'd live past 40 because I was so sickly and miserable. Years later I found out I had Celiac disease, changed diets and felt a lot better. I also got help for my background problems, etc. and life eventually turned around. I am a mother of four grown kids, and a grandmother who is no longer depressed and happy that my life continued, so I could arrive at this totally contented place.

There is much HOPE. Susan Quinn