Hello all.
First of all I don't have a diagnosis of bipolar disorder, I have clinical depression and generalized anxiety disorder. I was first diagnosed with the depression at the age of 19 and it has been an on again off again battle, peaking last month at the age of 31 thought very strongly about killing myself, though I didn't attempt to and got help. They then put me on the mood stabilizer lamictal. I looked it up and found out it was for bipolar disorder. I even asked my psychiatrist if he thought I was and he said not at all, but it has shown effectiveness in treating medication resistant depression. So right now I take 1 mg of klonopin twice daily, 450 mg wellbutrin and 25 mg lamictal. I swear after I was on the lamictal I felt a little strange, like I had real clarity and felt really positive, but then I got used to it and now I just feel flat, like I am not really feeling, but not depressed. Then I started thinking...it might just be the power of suggestion but when I was 19 I used to have these periods of time where I was a very happy positive person. I sometimes skipped classes in college to research things and stuff like that. I graduated with a 2.8 and honestly I think it was mostly because I didn't go to class enough, due to depressed days, days I just couldn't deal with being around people, but sometimes it was because I just had an almost compulsive desire to just do my thing and the heck with it all. I might have been bordering on an internet addiction (didn't have access til I started college) and I had compulsive actions like I obsessed over what classes to take (added and dropped them, trying to get my schedule just right) I don't do it as much but I do sometimes get into obsessive planning mode (wedding dresses even though I don't date, I even once planned how I was going to homeschool my child, sometimes in detail when I didn't even have one yet) but I digress, that is probably some OCD. Anyway, I have never done anything destructive other than not going to class enough in college, wasting too much time on the internet, but never to anyone's detriment post college anyway, of course being 300 pounds is kind of destructive but no gambling, shopping, sexual behaviors, drinking or drugs, etc that you sometimes hear about with bipolar 1. (sorry if I am overgeneralizing) What made me have an aha moment is one of my obsessions is the briggs myers personality theory. I actually have moments when I am sure I am IS(N)FJ and other moments when I am positive I am an ES(N?)FP. In other words sometimes I am super responsible, organized, plan well, and other times I can be somewhat spontaneous, want to be around people more, and feel full of ideas. It is at these times I tend to have more energy and seem to be more open and flexible. There are lots of other reasons someone can use both sides and I think the only reason I ever thought I was an N was my compulsive planning for the future but the thing that gets me is that J and P, I feel strongly that sometimes I am one or the other and if you know anything about the theory it isn't that you are a J or a P because technically everyone is both, it is which way of thinking do you use more, anyway I just wondered if anyone else feels this way about myers briggs, and if you think it is possible I am bipolar 2. I was kind of hesitant about being officially declared bipolar as I am a payee for 2 of my family members (never had a problem and manage money well) and my sister is bipolar 2 and they made her have a payee for a long time even though she never had any impulsive actions with money or anything... Sorry if this post is rambling and confusing, I am just kind of excited about this as it frustrated me to no end that I couldn't fit in any category all the time if that makes sense, and now I might have a reason sort of.also I don't know if I really understand hypomania well but when I have this feeling I sometimes I lose sense of time a little. I have stayed up all night to play a game or something because I was so into it and my mind couldn't shut down, but I don't know if that is what hypomania is really like. but I think everyone has fought sleep at one point or another because they were enjoying what they were doing, and it isn't like I do it all the time or even most of the time. And some things I did in college might be passed off as immaturity but I would love to know exactly what box I fit in. I don't know why but I have a very strong desire to be labeled. Like I want to read something and be like yup that is me. I wonder why that is? Maybe I want to find someone who is like me so I don't feel like the only one who feels this way or something.