I understand what your saying about ruminating and how it can take away for the here and now.

I have come to understand that, as I mentioned, I have had PTSD, probably for a long time. "I had no idea" is the best way to explain the past few months for me. As I had mentioned, I didn't truely know what PTSD meant, just thought it was a reaction that was normal after experiencing a lot of loss and that it would slowly go away.
Well, I worked at trying to pick up so many pieces and tried to continue, something I was well experienced with. But, I didn't truely realize that I was progressing deeper into the PTSD, I didn't even know that could happen to be honest.

It really wasn't until that morning of falling into a RAGE that I could not seem to stop and how it was directed at my daughter that changed more than I could have ever imagined. Not only was everyone around me going to punish me for that, but I was also going to punish myself as well. I went into some very dangerous ground with the aftermath of that I was SI many times. And the way my family was so unsupportive, uninformed about what I was struggling with, put me in a toxic environment. That should have been addressed long before that took place, it could have made a huge difference.

So I got online and all I knew is this PTSD diagnosis I was given and so I looked for a therapist. I picked a man and began therapy and he seemed very nice. But there were things he didn't discuss with me, and now that I think back, all he was really doing was following a workbook he had for treating PTSD. And as I mentioned, it was when he gave me a copy of a page from that workbook to bring home with a list of grounding methods when my whole world suddenly changed.

When it is suggested here about doing things for me, going for a walk, a ride on my horse, taking on an artistic project, what makes me happy? I could not do anything without having flashbacks. I simply could not understand that AT ALL! I was so confused by these flashbacks I didn't know WHAT to think.

I thought that I had coped through some very difficult challenges in my life. I was not prepared for what I was going learn and how hard it was going to be to try to understand. Everything I did to help myself be happy, was attached to something that was very upsetting, abusive, scarey, many bad things I went through. Honestly, I could not seem to do anything that wasn't attached to something bad and I only discovered that by trying to find a release only to experience flashbacks, anger, frustration, confusion, deep sadness, so many troubling reactions to just doing something I thought was pleasurable. I was so confused, had absolutely no idea what that meant. And because my family continued reacting to me poorly, I retreated in many ways. I couldnt count on that therapist, he was just too messed up in his own issues. So, he truely "didn't" leave me, or I left him, on a very positive note.

For a while all I had was PC and a very troubling life outside PC that was a problem everywhere I looked. The one thing I was afraid of doing was reading any books. I was not ready to see anything else I didn't know. I was very frightened, confused and lost and lonely. And I didn't understand why I could not seem to do anything I liked to do, I honestly didn't understand what that meant. I was frozen in confusion.

PC was the only thing I could seem to do. And the whole time I was coming to PC, I was sitting at a key board crippled with anxiety attacks. Somehow typing away, reading here and there, addressing different topics and just allowing my own feelings about these various topics and problems, just flow out of me. And just by doing that, I was able to reach into a part of myself that I could not seem to do any where else.
PC was where Open Eyes could be Open Eyes and could find a calm, some kind of place where Open Eyes could slowly look at Open Eyes in a very different way.

It was very hard for me to put any of my own issues here. I didn't want to ruminate, luxuriate, or feel sorry for myself. Everything I posted, every answer I put forth was as Notz said, deep thoughts, helping others yet also helping myself. And the other thing I had was a way to find others that understood what I was experiencing emotionally and psychologically and that it was extremely hard to explain to others.
The sentiment was, "If only these people could climb into my body and experience this" how much easier it might be to help others understand what it feels like, and how hard it is to "Just get over it".

To be honest, for the first time in my life, Open Eyes got to truely begin to see Open Eyes for the first time and it was not at all what Open Eyes thought. Ruminating?, that is one thing I didn't really want to do, took a lot whenever I did do that here and it always made me feel very exposed, guilty and as if I might be giving up whatever strength/credibility I had, and ofcourse there was the risk of allowing myself to get a similar reaction that was deeply hurting me outside PC.

It isn't just knowing how someone feels when they make a very troubled effort to reveal something in the abuse forum or even the PTSD forum. It is finding a way to help them find a safe way to come out of that deep sense of fear and troubled mind they are in. And, by stepping away from our own deep issues, and putting forth a way to find an answer to something very deep and troubling in someone else, we can also see a path of our own.

When a therapist compliments me and says, I am intelligent and intuitive, this is what they mean about me. And there is reason why it upsets me, much deeper than I realized, but have come to see and am working on accepting it for what it is. Open Eyes spent her life learning about many toubled people that came in an out of her life. Open Eyes DID help others, but all that time, Open Eyes didn't see what it was truely doing to Open Eyes. There WERE good things that I learned, but there were always some fears and questions that I didn't quite answer in other areas of my life.

Open Eyes tried soooo hard to make up for some very troubled people in her life. I can see how PTSD can be misdiagnosed with OCD, maybe BP disorders. Because now as I look back, to make up for the fact that my brother had issues, and my parents had their issues, then my husband had his issues that I had to learn all about and I took the route of keeping staying course and keeping my family together. I unknowingly took on the task of somehow trying to make up for it in other ways. I did try to find ways to address things and went about it like a manic would, tried to make up by pushing out good with some kind of need or perfection that may have looked like obsessive. However I responding to an unpredictable up and down environment that I didn't truely understand. I was fighting off a lot of fear with a lot of determination. And back then, I didn't even know what toxic family or people meant, it wasn't there to know in my time dealing with it. (I have never been diagonsed with either by the way)

My home was immaculate, Christmas was so picture perfect, so much energy put into things because of the stress and insecurity I was really feeling. I definitely can see how it presented an OCD like behavior. It wasn't OCD at all, it wasn't the ups and downs of Bipolar either, however it could sure feel and look like that. No, Open Eyes wanted happy, Open Eyes wanted a good home and life for her daughter, Open Eyes wanted her husband to grow up, get better be the man he could be because his heart was good. Yet Open Eyes was so afraid, didn't truely know how to make that happen, is that kind man going to finally grow up?, no Open Eyes NEVER felt secure in that at all. Open Eyes had a lot of sadness, embarrassment, rejection because it was known she was married to an alcoholic, Open Eyes threw herself into anything that could be productive, some kind of happy content feeling and she put EVERYTHING, EVERY TALENT, EVERY BIT OF HERSELF, into somehow making a positive result.

Up and down? Ofcourse it was up and down, but that wasn't bipolar, it was a constant reaction to the ups and downs and fears I was trying to resolve. And yes, there were depressive times when I didn't have all the answers. I did try to find them, but at that time they were not in place the way they are now. I had to hope and pray a thing called AA would solve my husbands issues. It is not a nice way to live, knowing that at anytime, an insanity could be presented all over again. No computers back then, no PC etc. Church helped some, but not that much.

It was a very difficult journey, yes, and Open Eyes fed on every smile her daughter presented, so many positive things did happen, it was a lot of work for Open Eyes. Open Eyes truely didn't see the depths of what all that meant. Though she can read about it now and see the reality of it that she felt but didn't know years ago.

Ruminating?, no we cannot go back and change anything we experienced in our past. Some here talked about a well and the depth of it and some pretty uncomfortable things in there. My reply to that post helped that person see something important, it made sense and presented a postive path, but it also showed it to me too.

We can not look at the Monsters in our past and change the Monster or continue to find ways to HIDE OUT. The only thing we can do is look back and see how WE were truely effected by these Monster memories and THEN by recognizing that, finally LEARN HOW TO MAKE PEACE WITH IT.

"I had no idea" is what we look back on and somehow see something we never recognized before, never even thought to recognize. And that is only the first step. That is the beginning to understanding what PTSD means.
The rest of the step is to learn how to properly process it and SLOWLY learn ways to change how we unknowingly react. It is a individual private journey in a way. It is not an easy journey. Everyone is unique in their personal experiences and how they managed them and how they were hurt or angered or frightened by their past.

RAGE? I ponder about that a bit, I have noticed others do that as well. I expressed my reactions of RAGE and at the time because my husband is the kind of man that has no training about what it means and how to react to it, oh, he absorbed it and made it worse. But something happened when I was driven to so much RAGE and sense of deep anger, fear, and a feeling of being boxed in, forced to experience something bad. I was finally able to reach to the depths of it and words came out that surprised me, and ofcourse him. I had to really think about what came out of me, it was very deep in this personal well. But now that it came up I can finally address it. If that had not happened, it would have just continued to be surpressed and might pop out in a bad way again (as was the case with my daughter).

"I had no idea"? Yes, I truely had no idea how deep some very troubling images, memories, fears, anger, invalidation, violations, extreme anxieties, were hidden in places deep inside my psychie/soul/mind/body/ essense that I was not truely aware of. No, "I had no idea".

It has only been a short time that I have been able to see it for what it really is. What makes me happy? What can I do for entertainment? I have to honestly say, I don't know yet. For the first time in my life, for the past year, I have only uttered, that I do not know what I want to do the rest of my life right now. I am only just beginning to find resolve, I had to see the problem first. And that has been hard to see because of a lot of distractions and a lack of support. After all this time, my husband has finally sat across from a therapist and was told something he should have been told over four years ago. My daughter still is angry and doesn't know what it all means. I am actually glad she is not living at home, while I have been trying to learn what it all means myself.

I met with a therapist my husband went to see on his own today. She heard his side and then listened to me. She also felt that my whole family should have been addressed differently four years ago. There are a lot of pieces to pick up now, that didn't have to be there. I went into flashbacks of the psychward and how poorly I was treated by the ward and my family.
Luckily the therapist supported me through that and understood what it all meant.
Open Eyes looks to the future still with much hope.