Quote:
Originally Posted by skysblue
I'm not even sure how telling my story is helping at all. What are the psychological elements here? Does verbalizing it do enough to be free of the story's power? So, how does it help me to be a detached observer? Well, for one, to be spared the reliving of the emotional pain. That's not fun nor pleasant. I'll do it if necessary but I want to feel convinced that it's necessary.
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For me, it was (and is) necessary.
When I was little, I dissociated and felt no feelings. I had the memories, but not the feelings to go with them. And when I started telling things to T, it was in a very detached way. Once, I even wrote down some of the hardest parts of my story and had HIM read it out loud....I needed the words to be out there, but I couldn't deal with the feelings yet.
Feeling the feelings is part of how we connect all of the disconnected parts of ourselves. We are humans, and we have feelings. When we push them away, we're not being 100% present with our experience.
The feelings that are connected to my story feel almost unbearably painful sometimes. I hate feeling them. I don't feel like I'll survive it, I don't feel like I'll ever feel better.
But what really happens is this: I feel them, and it's almost unbearable, and I do survive. And something softens and opens up inside, and I notice that my children are funny, or the sky is a really pretty shade of blue. I feel grateful for my friends, and I love my husband. Allowing the hard feelings to be there puts little spaces in my walls that allow the GOOD feelings to be there. It turns out I can't pick and choose. For me, the good comes WITH the bad. When I harden myself to not feel the hard things, I really don't get to feel anything.
It's worth it.
