I've just been reading PC these days, that's been helpful. Thanks all
I have been working on setting limits with an aunt who CSA'ed. It's been 20 year project, and the sad part is I have had to cut down contact with my Grandpa for it to happen. The "last frontier" has been letters she sends. I have sent them back, held onto them and agonized about opening them, just ripped them open, opened them with T, etc.. Her newest twist is to send the Xmas card to Dad's address, he then brought it to me.
So after letting it sit for a day, I opened it at night- bad idea (and predictably had a losuy day). Then I brought the card to T, and we talked about what was hard. I didn't read it word for word to T, as I have in the past. But as I talked about it, what was tough was that she was putting away money for my daughter for college. There were two Christmas checks, one for both of us. And before I knew it I was a crying mess. She helped me to see that the feelings were so big because they aren't about now, but in the past. And we talked about how I can choose what to do, and I don't have to take the money. I AM protecting my daughter, and she has never been alone with her. And together, we decided to shred the Card and the checks.
So I've been all over the place about this. Christmas was the one time I didn't get exposed to her abuse, and I set a limit, so I expected to feel better. But I feel awful.
T did talk to me briefly on Thursday- she even had to call me 2X because of cell coverage. We talked about a few things that had just happened, and she pointed out I was doing MUCH better than in the past. (Very true). It helped.
So I have waves of feeling lousy, but it's not crisis mode. I see T again on Tuesday, and am trying to distract myself until then. Works sometimes.
Just feeling a bit sad and confused and wanted to put it out there