Sometime within the next two weeks I will go to my first ever trauma inpatient, a place on the east coast.

General psych units make me worse. I am terrified, because I know it will not be easy. Basically my entire psychiatric background has been me keeping my head above the water, but still fitting in below the radar. It's a constantly balance, telling just enough so I don't kill myself, but not enough to allow anyone near me. I know that I will no longer be allowed to stay below the radar, but I reassure myself knowing that I will also not have to tread water constantly, just to stay alive. My head is a system of loops, mazes, secrets and confusion. But on the outside I remain calm. I cannot keep the composure much longer.

I am glad that I have never had to go to a trauma unit before. I have come close many times. I am glad because I really wasn't ready for it and I am now. I don't think I knew to what extent I was sick before and I think finding out too early could have proved detrimental to my own mental health.