It's Christmas here, or it has been for 40 minutes. I was just going to bed, but just needed to vent to make it through the day. I did things for my sister, and help make food for tomorrow. And that portion of the day was good. But then we went Christmas light hunting for the best one in our area, and part way in, thoughts of si and sui and of hospitalizations past started to run. And the two hospitalizations have been running through my mind. I've tried to do things that I did there to try and help myself. But it's not working. I have to stay out of the hospital, I have to be there for my sister. It's the only thing that is keeping me from helping myself. and what's worse is she has no Idea!! I've been hiding this from her, just to stay away from the hospital, but it's tearing me up. I can't do this, and I can't tell her on Christmas day, I just can't do that. I don't know where the strength is going to come for tomorrow, but hopefully seeing other people besides family will help. Other than that... I don't know what to do anymore, when not much is working, but at least distractions are keeping my mind busy. But tomorrow will be crazy... I'm not looking forward to it. I really should be in the hospital for a few days, and be ready to work come Saturday for my 8 days of work (almost full time) and then school starts. It's how it should be, but I don't know if I could bring myself to do it. I'm scared to even bring it up with my sister. and besides, I've been through 2 weeks now, and no change... none... Distractions work for a time... but when they stop... what do I do??