THIS MAY BE TRIGGERING -- BE CAREFUL -- GRAPHIC

I want to be at peace and want to feel confident and move forward with my life and all that goes with that. But my truth today is I'm afraid, and deeply sad, I don't want to be alone. I want to feel safe. But I don't feel safe. I don't because I'm very angry and it's boiling up and I'm frantically trying to shove it back down and ignore it, which is never good. I think I have reason to be angry. I don't think I've shared much of the details here before, but it's relevant today. I've been angry and I think it's because I've been around kids who are today the age I was when I was hurt, and I can't stop worrying about them and whether they are safe. I know most kids are safe with their families, but I have a hard time believing it and it makes me look at their parents and wonder what they're doing behind closed doors -- are they treating their kids with love and respect, or are they abusing them? It's like an obsession, and it's like I don't trust any of them. I catch myself staring at them trying to figure out if they're safe with their kids. I learned not to trust at a very young age. I was very young when they took me into the basement. And it was so incredibly brutal. The first time was the worst. It was that way to keep me quiet each time after that. They bound me to the stair rail and pillar, and took turns raping me. And one of them wouldn't stop yelling -- it was so loud. And he hit my face so hard when I bit him it still shows up as a recurring body memory, this sharp pain in my left cheek that still makes me flinch. God, the yelling was so loud and I couldn't move. I was pulling so hard to get free but I just couldn't get away. God, this sucks. I hate this so bad. I can't shake these memories and the feelings and I'm so sick of crying every day. I just want to move on, and I don't want to worry about every kid I see. And the gun. As if the rest wasn't scary enough. He had to finish it off with the gun and that nasty grin as he told me what would happen if I told anyone. I pictured myself in my mind today, the gun in my hand finally, blowing his f* brains out. I don't think I'd regret it. He was so incredibly inhuman. I just want him out of my head. I've tried so hard for years. I hope the children are safe. I wasn't, but I really am praying for them.

Thanks for listening.

mtd