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***TRIGGER WARNING***
Somewhat graphic...
A very small history on me... Was dx'd DID in 2001. The incident that brought about the split was when I was 4. My fathers idea of fun one day was to force me to sit in on a game of russian roulette with him and his two friends. The split happened when he made me pull the trigger on myself. I wont get into the rest but that was my first blackout and the beginning of many to come.
So my problem now is... I was out drinking a few nights ago. I am a social drinker, only once every month or two and hardly ever to get drunk any more. But the other night I got beyond drunk. The night was flying by, we were all having a great time. Of course with drinking I only remembered bits and pieces of the night. I hadn't had too much to drink but my memory isn't the best as is so it doesn't surprise me that I don't remember much. That's not the problem. The whole night was great and I was finding myself in new places. I would suggest something and the next thing I knew I was there. I was 1/2 there 1/2 somewhere else kind of. I'm hoping those in here understand what I mean by that. It was a good night until...
I was in another 1/2 in 1/2 out state where I didn't really know what I personally was doing but was somewhat aware of my surroundings. Out of no where everyone stops laughing and is saying "What?!?!" I got confused and just looked around, not sure what they were talking about... Apparently I asked them if they wanted to play russian roulette... Oh my goodness!!!
What was that and where did it come from? Was I serious when I said it? I don't remember saying it. I casually tried to play it off and change subject, said I meant "Do ya'll want to play spades?" and they all quickly forgot about it but I didn't... I don't know what to make of this... Would I have started that game and played that horrid game if they would have? Was it just drunk talk? Was it someone else talking? I know no one can answer this but the fact that I said that and don't remember... It worries me...
No drinking for me for a long time I know, that's the least of my worries... Has anything similar happened to anyone else I am wondering? Was it just a slip of the tongue because I was that drunk and wasn't even with it fully, or could it have been the part that was there that day? Or could it have just been old memories surfacing? I'm so lost...
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I'd lock my hands behind my head, I'd cover my heart and hit the deck, I'd brace myself for the impact if I were you.
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