Hi chicky. Hey I'm another kiwi. I'm here for you. It sounds like you are feeling so so troubled at the moment. I think it's like so many people who visit this site!! I am not a mother, i'm just a 21 year old girl from Auckland (North Shore). I'm not doing that well either. I couldn't imagine losing children and how devastating that must be! I am so sorry to hear about that. I hope and wish for all the good things in the world for you! It's so nice to hear from another kiwi! And when i was just feeling like i was on an island unto my own! I felt so isolated! Anyway, I don't think you're a bad mum. I think you are doing what you can and getting help. I think that's the best thing you could be doing for your children. I am hopeful for you and am wishing for you a bright day. A day when you can look up and see that things are ok. I know it's very hard, and i'm hoping this for myself as well, and for many people on this site. My thoughts are with you. Love and heaps of hugs from Sezzie!