To me, I've always felt depressed, but I've been saying that it was my "okay" state. I fooled myself into thinking I was okay because that feeling of gloom has been all I've known for a long time. I haven't felt inwardly joyful or satisfied with my life (and this is coming from a fourteen year old). I can still laugh, but I feel as if I'm forcing it. I feel as if I have a facade that just comes on automatically. I have now made the decision to feel what I really feel- gloom. I want to show people how I really feel. No more ingenuine happiness. I want to convince my therapist that I've always felt this way and that I have other symptoms of depression. I feel as if the joy has been sucked out of my being and my life. I sometimes cry just because of feeling depressed. I am always fatigued. I have difficulty concentrating, sometimes. I feel guilty for myself. In fact, I hate parts of who I am because of it. I experience memory loss. I feel anxious and overwhelmed. I feel trapped in my own shame, darkness, gloom. I feel imprisoned by my own emotions. My sleep is very broken up. I rarely sleep all through the night. I'm in 9th grade and my latest progress report was horrible (that's that's day I started cutting). I usually spend time in my room alone. I push away my sister because I want to be comfortably alone. I feel as if I can't think when someone is around. I also have a porn addiction. I have started cutting. I feel as if I want pain. I don't know why. Cutting is becoming something I look forward to. I feel as if I have nothing to look forward to in my daily routine. It's always the same. Is there not anything more? I feel that I do have a purpose, but that I'm not fulfilling it. No one understands and I feel absolutely alone. I also have random pains on my body in places that are not affected by any trauma or injury. I feel hopeless when it comes to the gloomy feeling. I sometimes feel suicidal, but I don't plan out how I'd do it.