(I would trigger post this but don't know how to change it, suicide mentioned so be forewarned) I totally didn't expect the outpouring of support based on this one post so thank you so much!
topomax is a nono for me as it started my suicide ideation (chicken or the egg we dont know but as soon as I was put on it my depression was the worst it has ever been) Part of the problem is I am having a hard time getting through the day, doing things I know I should. BUT I am trying really hard. I look at the house and want to cry. I am so overwhelmed and first I was getting no help, then I get the kind of help that you have to do the job all over again and the person can't handle criticism. The other one (my dad) never leaves the couch. We have been battling a bedbug infestation for a long time, had 3 treatments and we aren't sure if they are gone or not but we think we might have a lurker or two. I have a steamer and diatamaceous earth and feel like I could get rid of them with cooperation. I feel like I am speaking another language than my dad and brother speaks. I have tried everything, even bringing up the almost suicide. I said doesn't that scare you? don't you love me enough to try not to push me to the brink? They don't say a word. mind you I know I am responsible for my own actions but that moment that I almost took those pills I am looking at this family of mine and feeling like there is no one else, everyone has abandoned me. I know rationally there are people who love me but don't know how to help or whatever, but I just feel like no matter what I do housework wise, 10 things take its place and I need cooperation desperately. I don't have the funds to move and I don't think I can really raise my niece on my own and she is everything to me. She is the real reason I didn't take those pills. I know I am supposed to wish I was stronger and better and that not that it was easier, but I so wish there was a person wiser and stronger than I who could come in this house and help me make heads or tails of everything. I know what I want to do but it just is so hard. I am not a lazy person, only those who are depressed can understand. We have to be moved out by March so the landlady can paint and replace the carpet and I can do my stuff more or less but I don't know what to do with other people's mess and I know you can say well it is their responsibility, but for example my dad never moves, how do I wash his bedding? etc. I posted this subject on another thread and someone said that I shouldn't do it all and make them. I don't have the strength and I can't make them do anything! Our Landlady wants to do a walkthrough after the 1st to see what needs repairing and I need to get this place organized before then and my brother said I am aware of that, but he doesn't understand my anxiety. I can't calm down unless I feel progress is being made and the last couple days I have had a if I can't beat them join them attitude because I have had so much physical pain. My cancer might be back and I find out the results of tests on Jan 4th and I am so scared of being sick and weak in this house because I won't be taken care of and I will either have to find the strength to keep going on or watch my world crumble because no one can see what needs doing. Anyway I am jumping the gun I might not have cancer but I have so much pain both physically and emotionally and I have had cancer and treatment, and it came back, had treatment, and I just have a bad feeling. anyway this is all probably repeats of other posts and rambling but thanks so much for reading. your comments really do help and I mean that from the bottom of my heart.