Hi lido,

Thanks for responding, and putting some thought into things. That's good!

I admit, I use old reliable sexuality to hook a man. (Not like I put any planning into this, but I can see this pattern as I look back.) I give my physical 100% to the man. They're new and interesting, so I'm there emotionally as well. As time passes, my sexuality ebbs a bit ~ and I go into a paranoid phase that I can't hold onto him without.

We always make it through the paranoia, which makes me a bit more comfortable and "safe". During that paranoia, I often tell him that I'm scared. Afraid that the relationship won't make it, he doesn't love me, etc. The two always reassured me that I was okay, the relationship is okay, and they love/d me. Well, you have probably heard that you can't love another until you love yourself ~ and that's a real BIG problem for me. I don't love myself. I never have. Anyway...I think that this is where that huge paranoia of mine stems from.

While I want to feel true love towards "Joe", according to some psychosocial theories, I am unable to truly love another because I don't love myself. So, this creates a lot of tension and paranoia. I think that these guys are great. Really, I do! Yet, year after year I really struggle despite all that they put up with and I try so hard to please them (physically and emotionally). It feels like a seesaw to me!

Did I answer your Q? I think that the gist is that I've kind of forced myself to stay in the romantic relationships because I'm terrified of losing the man. I have shared my fears throughout, which tested their commitment levels to me & relieved a bit of stress as well. That does deepen my level of trust, to an extent. I still hold myself back a little (sometimes a lot) from my boyfriend for fear of being seen the way I see myself... and that's something I just can't even imagine doing.