Thanks for sharing your experience. Mine is similar although not so much on the sexual side. With the current boyfriend, also going on about 2 years, I have told him that I get scared and that I'm aware that, based on how he's actually treated me, the fear is a bit irrational. He is normally very patient with me and we work through it. For the past couple of months, however, he's experienced a lot of personal stress due to business reasons, so he's been much less patient and made some choices that definitely made me feel more insecure, which leads to the fear.

So, I've been at a bit of an orange or yellow alert lately and I'm very uncomfortable with myself. Although I like myself on a conscious level (pretty clear on my good points and my bad ones), your post has made me wonder if down deep, even deeper than my consciousness, I have some self-hate/dislike going on. I'm thinking this may be the case because even if I can't totally trust men, if I were 100% okay with myself, this wouldn't turn into anxiety and fear...maybe there is some underlying thoughts of "maybe I'm not good enough" and this is what's REALLY causing the turmoil. Hmmm....I'm not so sure then how I really do see myself or how I imagine others may see me....something to think through a bit more. Thank you!