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Thank you so much Amanda and Gr3tta. Amanda, your replies are always very informative and great inspiration. I understand the drinking thing and I know there's a likelihood that it is because I was drinking and it was just a slip of the tongue, or it was just me being different than my usual self because of the alcohol. It was just strange to me that that was what was said. Even more so that I can't really remember saying it. I didn't even know what was going on when I said it, I was kinda floating away while I was talking at that moment. But drinking does cause this I believe. One of the reasons I don't drink as often. Although I have fun, I don't like the in and out feeling from it when I wake up. I always have trouble remembering the next day, even if I only drink a little I still have a lot of moments in between where I don't remember. Only 2 drinks and people will tell me the next day things that I don't remember. I think I have a memory problem lol
When I was 14, the first time I drank, another night with a black out, apparently I tried to eat cocaine as if it were powdered sugar, I've never touched it before and never plan to because of my father being hooked on crack. It kinda shocked me to hear that. But it comes with drinking, I always assumed it was because I was drunk so it could very well be the alcohol that caused me to say that.
I don't have a t or a pdoc yet but I have been doing research and have gotten great help on here in finding the resources to get my medical started so I'm hoping things work with this. Just have to find a way to call and try and set up an appointment, I don't have a phone and being at the front desk at work, I don't want everyone hearing the conversation. But my hopes are to at least find a t who can work with my primary doc in finding meds that will help not hurt me. But I hallucinate like crazy apparently (I'm only recently realizing how often I hallucinate) and the meds to help the hallucinations cause me to dissociate and depersonalize a lot on those meds. Mood stabalizers and anti depressants as well. And some cause the hallucinations to get worse so I really think I need a pdoc, someone who knows the meds well, but I can't afford that and a t right now.
As far as the littles goes, that makes sense. I don't know if I have "littles" or not heck I don't even know about the alters (but I guess that comes with the dx). It seems like my inner child got lost long long ago though. I can't remember the last time I felt like a child, I think I was just starting high school or at the end of middle school when I lost that child like spirit, if I ever had it to begin with. Everyones always told me I acted like I was 50, even as a child. My therapist even made comments on numerous occassions when I was 14 that I acted way too old. But this he explained was because my mother had a lot of drinking and partying days and apparently I had to grow up to take care of her... I can see that... But I can't as well, I had to grow up really to take care of myself. When you're in bad situations, you can't be immature, you have to use your brain, not let your emotions take over, that's how I've survived so far.
I've come across pictures that I don't remember drawing. Pictures that are dated 2004 (when I was 17) and they were drawn by me apparently. They are of basically me with my mom and my dad, as a child and stick figure drawings. The spelling was really messed up as well. Like a child wrote it, I don't remember writing it but my mom says I gave it to her one day. It's a pic of me, my mom and my dad and an animal we used to have when I was a child. But that in no way means there is a "little", who knows, maybe I drew it when I was bored one day and just don't remember drawing it now?
I went and saw my dad about 6 months ago. A man who used to be 6'4 and over 300 pounds of straight muscle. Now he's about 6'0 (he's really hunched over) and weighs about 160 pounds. Over the last couple of years his drug use has taken its toll on him. The once terrifying unstoppable man is now being pathetically whithered away. Serves him right I guess, but I love humans in general, I don't want to see that happen to anyone. Since I saw him, my mind hasn't been quite the same. Perhaps seeing him triggered something or someone within. My dissociation has gotten much worse, and my anxiety. But it could be any number of things causing it, something really as you said a t should figure out with me. I'm a psych buff. I read it, I obsess over it, I live it. I talk of psych non stop. It's always been a fascination of mine. But as much as I read and know about it, I need an outside perspective, really that's what it comes down to. You can't accurately understand the power of the storm if you're right in the middle of it. You have to observe from the outside to see all of the possible effects, I guess I need an observer, but I knew that. I just wish I could afford it... Hopefully...
Gr3tta, you could very well be right as well. I considered the fact that the surroundings could have triggered it. I haven't been comfortable at that house since August. Every time I go over there my anxiety peaks. It's not them at all, up until August I really enjoyed going over there. Then I had the seizure over there. In the same couch I always sit in... Every time I go now it reminds me of the night in August after the seizure and I always have to fight off a anxiety attack.
Not to mention the fact that we were all drinking around a table... Already anxious and a smill hint of familiarity with everyone sitting around the table drinking. Like they were that night. Perhaps some words were said that triggered the memory or something. Or perhaps Amanda is right and it could have been alcohol related as well. Either of those explinations seem to hold just as much possibility as the other, I guess a trained professional would be the best at deciding which one, and in many situations common to this, what the real cause for all these "symptoms" are. If only I had one now...
Thanks again for the replies, I know I write too much, sorry... I'm a talker... Kinda... Thanks again!
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I'd lock my hands behind my head, I'd cover my heart and hit the deck, I'd brace myself for the impact if I were you.
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