people ask how i am and i avoid answering them. only my therapists fully get what's going on. i tried talking to one of my sisters and she got so upset when i started to go into how bad the depression is that i ended up comforting her. i didn't even get a chance to go into much detail. i'm afraid of burning out my therapists. i have thoughts of something bad happening to them. i'm just as scared of losing them as i am for my family.
sometimes i have no control of my thoughts - something inside me says that life is horrible - all it is is suffering. i don't see a point to life - i fight to stop the thoughts of why do i matter? why bother? i feel my life is some sort of sick joke god is playing on me. what is the point of life? i go to work to pay the bills, eager for my next vacation day. the vacation passes and i'm back at work waiting for my next vacation. it never ends! (i don't even mind work that much.) my husband keeps me from dying, but i can only take so much... i sometimes think there's something inside me that doesn't want to let go of the depression. it's almost become my identity. i just don't know what to do anymore...