Oh my gosh...recognizing our patterns and changing them are two different things for sure!

Sometimes I can see *so* clearly what I'm doing, and it feels like I'm almost powerless to stop it. I used to "create a rupture" with T whenever we got too close to the really hard stuff in therapy. At first it was subconscious...I was so close to something so scary, and it would feel like he would say or do something so "wrong" and I would get mad or hurt and there would be this rupture and all of our therapeutic energy would go toward repairing the rupture...which was healing in it's own way, but definitely stopped the movement towards the things in my past that were scaring me.

A couple of years into this, I recognized that I was doing it. AND I STILL DID IT. I was so aware of it, but I couldn't stop. The ruptures still felt so real. It took time, and practice, and willingness, and work to finally stop.

Our defenses are there for a reason. It's so okay, and nothing to beat ourselves up over. And as we heal, part of the process is doing what feels really uncomfortable at first...being willing to do something different, and trusting that we will be okay.

You're doing good work