(((((((rainbow rose!)))))))

My T and I leave each other voice mails after each session, and I always keep as many as I can saved on my voice mail, even though I rarely listen to them again.

For some reason, the other day I listened to a few old ones. One was a message T left me after I took a break for a month in the spring and had gone back to therapy. He was talking about knowing how difficult it felt to go back in there and be vulnerable and talk about hard stuff. He talked about my need to reconnect with him first. Listening to the message reminded me what it felt like to go back after having the time off.

It WAS a little hard...it was so nice to see him, and so good to go back to a place I feel so safe and supported...AND it was hard, knowing that we were going to be going to some dark places.

Before my break, I never talked about the hardest stuff. We did work on a lot of trauma, but not the most difficult...it had come up the summer before my break, and I completely, utterly, totally freaked out and told T to drop it and he did. We kept working on other stuff and then I took my break.

The break was really, really good. It helped me see how much I had healed, and how different life is now compared to before therapy. It was nice to have the mental break and the extra time and money and the breathing room. It gave me a chance to regroup.

And when I went back, I knew it was time..or at least the time would be soon. It sounds like that's how you're feeling too. We didn't get into the hard stuff right away, but we did a few months later. What we DID do was reconnect with each other, talk about how the break was, what I learned, etc. We gently and gradually worked together to get to the point where I could talk about what I needed to talk about.

AND I talked about it and survived and am so grateful now that I did. It didn't feel better at first, but now it feels SO MUCH BETTER to have that poison out, to share it with T, to not have to run and run and run to stay ahead of it all the time. There's more space inside, more room for good things.

Remember that when you go back, you can go as quickly or as slowly as you want. You don't have to walk in the door and talk about the hard stuff. You can reconnect, and get comfortable, and give yourself as much time as you need.

I would really love to hear how your first session back goes