(((ja1721)))
Have you ever mentioned how you're honestly feeling with your T? Has he/she ever seen areas that you've cut? What about your parents or sister? Just curious if you wear a mask always or if you ever let it down in front of certain people.
I assume that someone knows that you are struggling (which is what got you into T), but perhaps doesn't know the extent. I began seeing a T as a pre-teen, due to chaos in the home. As far as I recall, my T's didn't pick up on self-hate or suicidal ideas until my life really became chaotic!
I would recommend being upfront with your T. It sounds like you're starting to push limits now, perhaps to see if anyone will react emotionally. If you're cutting in hidden areas, you need to come straight out and tell your T. Believe me, your T is there to help you. Their whole mission at the job is to help people who really need it. The trick is getting yourself to go in without a mask ~ and share precisely what you've said in here to us. Print the page and read it (if that feels more comfortable for you) once the door has closed and you've sat down.
Carrying the heavy luggage doesn't get any easier as we age. Letting these thoughts and feelings out now will really help relieve that heavy load. Maybe not automatically and super-fast....But a lot better than carrying that full weight around wherever you go. You do deserve to feel good. You are a good person. None of us are perfect ~ we all commit "sins" (imho). You don't deserve a life of misery. Trust me...you really do not deserve it!
Gentle hugs given to you. Please share what you've written and felt with your T.
__________________
"Only in the darkness can you see the stars."
- Martin Luther King Jr.
"Forgive others not because they deserve forgiveness but because you deserve peace."
- Author Unkown
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