i had thought i was seeing the light... i moved on, got my msw, got married, even had 5 years with no hospitals. but it came back. it ALWAYS comes back! i don't know why i'm living. what is the point of it all? so yeah - maybe i'll get better - but constantly over my head i have that fear that this may be the day - the day that it all comes back AGAIN! yeah - i did enjoy doing a word search with my husband - sometimes i'm able to get lost in the moment - but then there's a quiet moment and i feel it - that pain that consumes me - that tears me apart inside - it rips thru me like nothing else can. and evey time i say to myself that this is it - that it can't possibly get wose than it is right now - yet every time it surprises me that it some how manages to hurt even more. after all these years, you'd think i wouldn't be surprised. maybe the depression is my way of protecting myself - if life already sucks - i don't have far to go if some thing else happens. less of a distance to fall.