Hi STef, and hi Susan,

Just wanted to say I read both your posts and they both sound exactly like me, too, and what I went through.

I was also a "mother" to my own mother, but didn't discover this until I had my own child, she's now almost 18, and the light of my life. I have become a great mother to my daughter, and, in the process, I've become a great mother to myself as well, because my own real mother was very dependent on me.

I had bad moments when I was first getting diagnosed, and trying to look after my child and husband as well. I tried a few therapists, then I found one that "clicked". I also found out that my family has a history of severe depression (no-one had ever told me) and I tried 3 anti-depressants until Zoloft helped me restore some much-needed serotonin in my brain.

Stef, I had some very low points when my baby was tiny. I remember having similar thoughts as you are. However, I just hung in there, and some days were shockers, others were ok, then after a while of seeing a good therapist and taking the right meds, I started to have the occasional glimpse of sunshine. It took a long time, but I was determined to do whatever it took to get better.
I also lost contact with my parents and brothers at this time, they were a toxic influence in my life. One brother was and is particularly supportive and we remain close. The others, well I see them occasionally but we are not close. I will never forgive my mother, in particular, for the way she treated me.
It's rough, having to be a mother to your child, and to yourself, at the same time. And often your own mother is demanding that you look after her as well. You have to draw some boundaries in order to survive.
I wish you all the best, Stef, I used to tell myself, "sometimes life is just the art of hanging in there". And my doctor used to say "two steps forward, one step back, you'll get there in the end".
I'm still on Zoloft, and joined this forum because I was having a rough time before Christmas. It's like any other illness, managing depression, but you can do it, remember it's the illness making you have strange thoughts, it's not you, it's the illness and it can be treated.
Very best wishes to you. Let us know how you go.