I have a very good friend who has a lung disease.
We met several years ago (2005?) on a forum for people who have adopted children from the state foster care system. We've only met in person twice, but we've talked on the phone a lot. We used to spend hours talking daily.
A couple of years ago our friendship was becoming less intense. My son, who was a teen when I adopted him, was moving out of the house and therefore I didn't have the kinds of ongoing problems I used to talk to Sherry about. And her sons, who have very serious psychological problems, were living with her mother, so she didn't have the need to talk as much either.
During the time we were talking a lot, I noticed that she'd developed a cough. I told her to see a doctor since it wasn't getting any better. She made light of it and didn't see a doctor. Then a couple of years ago she told me she'd had a lung x-ray during a routine physical and there were lesions all over her lungs. The doctors thought it was lung cancer, and they were running tests to confirm it.
Now my friend (and her family) handle stress by cracking jokes. I knew she did this. In fact, after my older (biological) son was diagnosed with schizophrenia, she made some jokes about it which upset me. I don't see the humor in a serious mental illness - particularly when it's just been diagnosed. So anyway she started making jokes about dying of lung cancer and telling me the jokes her sisters had made. I just couldn't join in the general merriment over possibly losing a good friend who wasn't yet 40. I tried to remain neutral because I knew my way of reacting would be as upsetting to her as hers was to me. But one day I couldn't stand it. I told her I loved her and I didn't want her to die. Well, she didn't talk to me for about a year after that.
Eventually we did resume contact, though it's not as intense as before. We text occasionally - seldom talk on the phone. I've wondered about the lung lesions issue, but I've never asked about it and she's never offered anything... until last night. Suddenly in the midst of a texting session she said, "I am sick of breathing through a straw!!!" I asked why she was breathing through a straw, and she responded, "My lungs suck then to add on any kind of cold that affects your lungs is omg!!!! Hate it. Feel like is overwhelming the fact it will never be fine. Only better than today (maybe). Feeling a bit sorry for myself." I told her how sorry I was that she was suffering, and she said, "Thx for your sympathies i may be turning into a sympathy ***** now that compliments are out of the picture" (because she's gained so much weight; she used to be very, very cute, but doesn't feel like she is anymore).
I don't know what to do. I'm afraid if I ask too many questions she'll cut me off again. But it isn't in my nature to ignore a serious illness. I know that she's somewhat estranged from her mother. She used to think her mom was the greatest in the world. I always thought she sounded like a self-centered abusive lunatic, but I never told her so. Now they have little contact, and I'm not sure what happened because it was during that period when she wasn't talking to me.
I know she's very broke right now (financially). She has 4 adopted sons. The oldest two are about 11 and 13 - brothers who are extremely disturbed (just to give you an idea - they've poisoned and killed her dogs, burned her house down, have sex with each other, other children and animals). The youngest is about 5, comes from a developmentally disabled mother and is autistic. The second to youngest is about 6 and is the most normal of the group, but both his biological parents are dx'd with sz.
And now I know that she's sick with some kind of lung disease, and I'm afraid to ask her what the disease is, the treatment, the prognosis - even to express sympathy. What do I do?
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"Hear me, my Chiefs! I am tired; my heart is sick and sad. From where the sun now stands I will fight no more forever."--Chief Joseph
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