Evie I am new to the boards here and I am so sorry about the tragic death of your mom. It really sounds like you are having a really hard time. I know and understand what it is like to loose somone that is close to you. DO you have somone you talk to on a regular basis like a therapist? I give you a big hug during this difficult time. I hope you get through it okay. Take care of yourself . Bearhugs.