I started a job a couple years ago that involved working with kids with special needs in their home and community. One of the kids that I was assigned to work with was an 8 year old girl with autism. I very quickly fell in love with this little girl and her family. They are amazing. I have an amazing connection with this little girl. When I was promoted to supervisor, I continued to do direct care with this child because she and her family mean so much to me.

After my shift with the child yesterday, I stayed for a while and her mom and I talked about different things, which is normal. Then, like usual, she walked me out to my car and gave me a hug. I feel honored that they have allowed me to be part of their and their child's life. As I drove away, I had these horrible feelings of being fake. I have been struggling a great deal with depression and SI over the past couple of months, and this family doesn't know about my current or past struggles with depression. I feel like they don't know the real me.

Lately I have been having sui thoughts, and honestly the only person keeping me from acting on them is this child's mom. I don't want to hurt her. She has shared with me that she worries that someday I might move away because she and her daughter don't want me out of their lives. I couldn't imagine her reaction if I were to go through with the sui thoughts. Not to mention, this mom had a daughter that was killed 10 years ago in a car accident, and that was extremely difficult for her. I wouldn't want my death to cause her more pain, especially since she has two kids with autism to care for. I hate all this pain that I am in, and I want it to end, but I feel guilty about having these thoughts when I am with this family. After all this mom has been through the death of two children (one was still born, the other in a car accident), has two kids with autism, as well as many other struggles, and she is so positive. I haven't had nearly the amount of grief or struggles she has had, and yet I want to give up.

I don't want to have to be fake with this family. I want them to be able to know the real me, but I am afraid of what the reaction would be if they found out that I struggle with depression.