I'm back home and I assume my T is flying back right now and will email me tomorrow. I sent her an email, finally, about how crummy my trip was. Not all of it was bad, and a lot was my fault. I don't blame people for not wanting to be with me when I complain so much.

I'm more aware of my parts lately, and how they feel about my T. I am embarrassed about the part who feels like she has a crush on, or is in love with, my T. I know this is my pattern, but it's progress to see her as a part of me, not all of me. I emailed T about some moments I won't ever forget. I am curious about why I feel the way I do and wonder if others feel like they have a "crush" on their T's. It reminds me of the others in my past, from movie stars to real people. I have moments I'll never forget but I'm not sure why I do this and if it's totally abnormal or not.

For example, when she zipped up her coat when we went for a walk once. Last session I saw her coat on the hook (I usually don't pay attention to her coat) and I remembered the feeling when she zipped it up. Now is this stupid or what? I don't know if it's a good feeling or not.

Then when she smiled at me last session, at one point. In the past, I've wanted to look into her eyes but I emailed that it hurts too much to do that. I don't know if some of the feelings are physical/sexual--probably.

These and other moments add up to feeling like a teenager with a crush!! More so than being in love, maybe. I want to be with her. Yet I know I need to explore what these feelings are about, not obsess about them for their own sake.

My T has become so, so important to me and I have all these parts who want her in different ways. The child still wants to sit in her lap and be held. The baby seems to feel okay now, at least. But this teenage part, or maybe she's also a child, I don't know, wants to know everything about T and soak up her presence. She thinks T is an amazing person and wants to be like her.

I hope my T comes home safely!!