Okay, so let me start by saying that, while I would really, really love your feedback and support, I know that this is going to be a long post and totally understand if your eyeballs get tired while reading my babbling.

I spent all day yesterday (and most of the night since I'm a third shifter) crying intermittently. This couch I'm typing from probably has a permanent imprint of my behind since I've been sitting in this same corner, in these same pj's, since I got home from my breakfast date yesterday at about 9:45. Yep, a date triggered this, but it really has nothing to do with the guy or the date. He was a perfect gentleman. We were a total mismatch and, due to total non-communication prior to the date, zero chemistry, and my social anxiety kicking into high gear, it was the worst date I've ever (yes, ever) been on. Poor guy. I feel badly for him and I'm absolutely embarrassed. I'm declaring an end to a 7 month stint in the online dating world. I'm emotionally drained, sad, confused, and still very single.

But I looked in the mirror and wondered, how did I get here? I mean, besides the puffy, teary face, the wonky hair from dozing on my couch corner, and the fact that right now I look like some kids' rag doll, I'm reasonably attractive. Overweight and too tall for most men yes, but attractive. I'm highly intelligent, I'm an interesting person, I have a big heart, and I have this huge desire to connect with others. I used to be far more interesting, used to have hobbies, used to have like, a bazillion friends. And then, in my mid-twenties, the depression and anxiety started hounding me in earnest. But I'm still me. I'm still the person who, even when the world is falling apart around me and I can't stop crying will crack a silly joke with someone. HA, I can't tell you how many times I've laughed my tail off while sad, depressed tears were falling down my face. I'm still the person who, even when I shut down because I cannot handle one more thing piling on, not even a little more pain because my heart will break, become a black hole, and swallow me up will reach out to other hurting people because, I mean, it sucks to feel like this and sucks even more to feel like this alone.

Guys, my whole adult life I've wanted to be part of a family that I created. I've wanted to be a loving wife, to create a home with someone and to give the love to them that I have in me. Sure I can give love to others but it's different. I want to be a mother...there's really nothing more to say about that. I see so many people who squander the beautiful intangible things that they have--they treat spouses and children horribly. Man...I just want the chance to make that kind of life for myself.

I am 33 years old and so scared that I will be alone forever. People tell me that I won't. They offer trite sayings like, "You just haven't met the right one," and "When you stop looking, you'll find him." And etc. But I've been single since 2004. I've both stopped looking for long periods of time, and I've looked earnestly. I've done...everything. Mentally and emotionally, I've been in higher, more stable places than this but now, I'm just very sad. It's not all about a guy, it's not that I'm not happy without one. I mean, I don't really have any girlfriends anymore either, but that's another full post in and of itself. This is about wanting the things other women my age have and take for granted.

I don't know how I got here or why. I don't know what's wrong with me, or why it seems that I'm excluded from having the happiness that others do. I look in the mirror and can't see the answer. I just...I don't know...