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I started dating my BF way back when I was a freshman in high school. He was verbally and physical abusive during all of the years that we were together. When I was 20 years old we had a son together, and even with the baby in the house he continued to scream and yell and make me feel worthless. Finally when I was 21 and our son was just 8 months old I got the courage to leave him. He joined the military, got his act together and has been an amazing father to our son…but still liked to have his control over me. He would use money as a way to get me to do what he wanted because he knew that, although I work full time, I was having a hard time paying my rent and car payment and all of my bills, plus providing for our son all on my own. Well, fast forward to now (7 years later) and we are back together. I always swore I would never take him back…and somehow I let myself believe this time would be different. He does literally everything I ask him to, he just bought us a house and we have another baby on the way. He has been so amazing he has even managed to win over my family again. Unfortunately for me I have not been able to let go of the past…and of everything he has put me through. I hate him so much I don’t know why I ever allowed myself to be with him again. I hate the way he walks, talks, breathes, eats…I hate his clothes I hate the way he stands there and just stares at me I hate his controlling personality. I hate how short he is and I feel like he’s not a real man. I dread going home after work because I know I will have to spend the rest of my day with him. I have woken up to him having sex with me, TWICE, since we have been back together…and both times I had told him I did not want to be touched before I fell asleep. This is how I got pregnant with the baby we’re having in a few months. I know that normally a woman would be excited to be woken up by the touch of her boyfriend/husband…but I did not feel that way. I felt violated and I felt dirty. Now whenever I hear him breathing heavy it reminds me of those times when he was touching me and rubbing up on me after I asked him not to. I have my reasons for feeling so betrayed by these acts, whether they make sense to you or not…to me his actions were disgusting and unacceptable. Every time I see him walking I picture him walking towards me and getting ready to push me or grab me like he used to. Every time I do anything to make him even the slightest bit upset I brace myself for his wrath. I don’t even sleep in bed with him because I am so afraid he’s going to want to touch me. The thought of his touch makes me sick to my stomach…literally. He hasn’t hit me or pushed me or grabbed me since we’ve been back together…but we have only been living in the new house for a week and already he has yelled and screamed at me in front of the neighbors and in front of our little boy. He is also very controlling and has a way of speaking to me that makes me feel unimportant and worthless…yet if I ask for something he will run out and get it. He is very confusing…and he is very fake. I honestly have no love left for him…only hate. I do not know what to do. If I leave him I will have nowhere to go. There’s no room for me at my parents’ house. My paycheck is direct deposited into an account with his name on it every week so it is almost impossible for me to save money to get an apartment. I know if I try to leave him he will fight for custody of our son and eventually of the baby once he/she is born. My fear is that he will win because he makes the money and he owns the home. Not to mention my family and friends only see the positive changes he has made. It’s no secret that he will bend over backwards for me and I feel like if I leave him they will all judge me negatively…not to mention I can’t break my sons heart by separating from his father when we finally just got back together. He has been so happy to have both of his parents under one roof. I feel trapped…I am honestly terrified that I am going to spend the rest of my life literally miserable and love-less just to make other people happy. HELP
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