Good luck with your first session back, rainbow_rose. I understand your conflicting thoughts: "I wanna connect" and "I'm afraid to reconnect." You can feel both at the same time and that's okay.

Even if you're ready to go deeper, it may not happen during this first session in spite of it being an extended one. You'll need that time to reconnect and maybe start on the deeper stuff. I'm sure your T will help with your fears about it, and help you to go slowly, at your own pace. I'll be a pocket rider if you want.