I so, SO feel for you Granite. Just how much you’re suffering is so plain and so raw, and I know that lots of us wish we could take that away for you. But please don’t believe for a minute that your T doesn’t care…I really don’t think that’s it at all. (If she really didn’t care, she wouldn’t have bothered to send the letter back at all and ask you to read it during your next session, I think. I mean, I think for a lot of reasons that she really does care, but can you try to hang on to at least that one little reason for now?) And I know you think she hates you, but even you yourself know that there’s no reason why she should.

I think I may understand a little of what you’re going through. Like you, I spent quite a while not saying anything (about the first 2 years or so of therapy). I was just always afraid of everything. I mean, I’d actually talk, but it was always either about how much I hated myself, or otherwise pretty much about nothing at all.

During some of that time, I used to email my T a lot, and I’d try to say some of the things I couldn’t say face-to-face. I really thought that things should be getting better or that my relationship with T should have been improving or something. But it didn’t really work all that much.

A few months after I started writing, at about the time my T’s email policy changed (for everyone, not just me), it turns out that she actually figured something out about me that has been infinitely helpful…

All that time I’d been using email as a way to try to express something about my needs, but to do it in a way that meant I was never really putting myself and my needs out there. While I wanted very much for her to understand and respond, there was a disconnect that felt much safer when I put it all in writing. So I could say all the darkest stuff if I wanted, but I’d never really have to feel that stuff. And in that way I had a buffer between myself and anything that I worried that could hurt me. But of course, the things and people and connections that we’re afraid of are the things that also have the most potential to help us heal.

I know that there’s no easy way, but you’ve GOT to talk to her, in my opinion. It’s really just my 2 cents, but I think it’s your best shot at getting better. I know for me, once I had that outlet (of email) and had it taken away, I got so desperate that I finally HAD to talk to her. And things are far from perfect, and I’ve still got so much work to do, and much of it is in learning to be connected to my T. But I can honestly say that it’s all worlds better than it was.

I know you need to take care of yourself, and that withdrawing probably feels like the best way. But please, please think about ways to keep yourself safe and to also talk to T face-to-face. It might hurt a bit, but the helping part is so worth it.