I wrote my life story down (more or less) as a form of therapy. It took 10 pages typed double spaced 12 font times roman 1 inch margins lol)
I thought it would help me pinpoint some of my issues and figure out how to heal. I discovered that there was a pattern in my life with this one person who I love and don't want to alienate that made me feel she was always abandoning me. Some of the "abandoning" was normal it was just done in a way that hurt. First she got married when I was 7 and spent less time with me, then we just weren't as close and I missed her, then I felt abandoned because my mother had what I think was a psychotic break and she wouldn't help me make a decision about how to proceed. (she was seeing and hearing things and it was really weird, she had always been completely normal but this spell lasted maybe 2 days and then she was normal again) She even said I have to protect my own family first, which was a slap in the face because even though I know when you get married and have children that is your nuclear family, and now I feel abandoned because my brother got slightly violent with the person in question and unloaded years of resentment on her in a way that was very scary and scarring for all of us and I don't want her to think of me that way. I am not mad I am just hurting. Because of that and some resentment she holds for my father she avoids me, I am guilty by association sort of. She will meet me for coffee and talk about HER family but if I start talking about my problems she doesn't comment. I have called her crying and she doesn't say anything, just holds the phone. This someone is my big sister and I didn't realize until I reached way back and started thinking about it how abandoned I felt by her. I don't want her to think I am mad or whatever and I acknowledge some of her actions I would probably have done in her shoes but some are unexplainable. When I was in the hospital she came to see me once and gave me a hug but all her conversation was centered around her family and I had nearly tried to kill myself! I don't want to say anything because she is about the only sane family I have left. apparently I had a dream and was talking in my sleep and my Dad said I said her name. I don't remember anything about the dream at all. I texted this to her and she said I was probably coming to your rescue, and I thought does she really see it that way? She has given me a few rides when I didn't have a car, and talked me through a couple issues with my niece when I didn't know what to do when she was sick but I never thought she rescued me at all at any time. I never felt rescued I felt abandoned. Anyway I thought if I wrote all that down here at least I could get it out. I think she is a little emotionally closed off though I have seen her cry. Anyway trying to be my own therapist right now while I wait to find out if my Therapist is going to remain my therapist or if I have to find a new one and this is my first breakthrough I came up with.