I can relate to this on a different level. If I am driving I am scared to death to crash or to be the cause of some suffering or taking them away from loved ones. However sometimes I wish we could get into a car crash when I am not driving because I do have moments when I want to die but don't want to abandon my family, which is totally illogical because I could never, say kill my family and commit suicide like you hear about on TV, the thought is appalling, but I guess it is something to do with it not being your fault/decision, just wanting to be in heaven free of worry. But since I have been on meds I don't think about things like that as often, it is more just working on making it through the day. I would talk to someone definitely, perhaps it is a death wish, or possibly something else...