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Thank you openeyes! I took your advice and thankfully avoided making a huge mistake. I asked him if I could borrow his phone for work since my daughter was going to call (she's spending Christmas with her dad) and although I didn't have the phone because I forgot to grab it, I dropped it under the car seat. So it was in the car under the seat the whole time I was calling him. It took him about 20 minutes to find it. He came to my work after dinner with his family (bringing me something to eat) and I calmly asked where his phone was and why he wasn't answering. It took a minute for me to cool off but I fought it and succeeded and didn't screw things up.
I am having a rather difficult time right now trying to manage without a t. Last night I heard a little girl ask me for help after watching a really triggering movie. I've been having trouble figuring it out and dealing with the triggers and I guess I needed to angle it somewhere and didn't want to deal with it myself. You're right I need to stop leaning on him so much.
I am always going to him with all of my troubles and I need to stop. He knows my history he knows the things I've been through. He has trouble remembering from time to time. He will say or do something that triggers me and wont understand why for a little while then he gets it and says he forgets I had that childhood because I seem so "normal" to him.
I tell him everything though, I tell him how far from normal I am but he seems to be in denial over it. But maybe that's what works for him. This is my problem, this is something I need to fix not him. He didn't mess me up and him just being with me makes me so much better than I ever was, I really can't ask him to do any more.
I'm so dependant on him. I don't have a car or a license but when we met he didn't have a car or license. Now he has both and I have nothing. His family helps with so much financially and so does he. He's there to comfort me every time I cry about my past. He's there holding my hand and kissing my forehead and hugging me and saying how sorry he is it ever happened. But I don't need to make him feel like he isn't making me happy because really I'm not making me happy. I'm not doing enough to make myself happy and am doing too much to make myself miserable.
I know when I freak out that I need to stop, it just gets overwhelming and I can't control it. I don't know where these fears come from but it seems like they change me and I have no control. But I do, I did tonight so I will again. Thank you again for your reply openeyes you saved me from making a huge mistake and messing up the relationship more than I already have with this. You're such a wonderful person! Thank you!!!!! (((((((((openeyes))))))))
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I'd lock my hands behind my head, I'd cover my heart and hit the deck, I'd brace myself for the impact if I were you.
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