Okay, this makes me understand better ... you want to understand it. You want to grasp the process. . .. BUT your need to understand is an intellectual pursuit. It's not emotional or deep down in the root of your being. I say that with total understanding because personally, I've struggled mightily with true emotion. And I don't believe that all of us are able to "go there". I still question if that's in my capabilities!

So, if you want to "understand" psychotherapy, start with studying it. Go and take classes. Continue to read and discuss. But expecting that another person, a therapist, is going to lead you or make you "understand the process" is often deemed to fail, especially when you're not really ready to engage openly in the process.

If you can't let go. If you can't trust the process and just flow with it, then you are always going to be disappointed, angry and tied in knots. One of the things I found was that I needed to read and read and read (along with taking courses) before I could even begin to allow my defenses to lower and begin the process . .. and even then I struggled.

Being in touch with my emotions/feelings is not an easy task. I live in my head. I've lived in my head all my life. I am a narcissistis and very self assured in my professional life . .. not so much in my personal life, but that is something we can hide . Take some time to read about narcissism and paranoia. You might find it hurtful but enlightening. At first I rejected what was said, but over time I have come to realize that my rejection and anger toward my therapist was created in my head, not by the process. I wish you peace in this process!